Unmasked

My take on 'Why I hate religion but love Jesus'

2012-01-18T12:33:00.009+08:00

There was an interesting video in the web recently that went viral (14 million hits on youtube, i mind you!!). It was a video of a dashing young rapper with great musical talent spitting out rhymes about the sins of religion. The video attracted the attention and likes of many, especially the young. The number of shares of this video on Facebook was phenomenal. This young man was preaching that Jesus came to abolish religion and it was mostly Christians who shared the video on their Facebook page. I found it to be rather perplexing that the video appealed most to Christians, who themselves belong to a religion, than it did to atheists or free-thinkers.

Well, apparently, the young man was very spot-on his points, and though many were unsure of what their stand was on religion, they agreed with what he was arguing about.

The young rapper started his video with questions. Lots of them. I am not quite sure if he provided much accurate answers but he was very effective in asking questions that rhymed and were interesting to listen to. However, I came to learn once again, that just because it sounds good, doesn’t mean it is true. It is absolutely important that as learned, educated Christians, we learn to question inspirations and discern the messages that is being sent to us, regardless of the language and the format it comes in.

Let me begin by saying I do not blame this young man for what he believes in. He was probably taught to interpret the Bible subjectively without the proper guidance from someone with about 2000 years worth of Scriptural knowledge. He may not have had the opportunity to master discernment in order to discern every inspiration that he receives. Not everyone is blessed with the opportunity to receive such education and formation.

Now, the first question this young man asked was, “What if I told you Jesus came to abolish religion?”

Of course, before one can even think of the answer to that question, he pounces once again with another question. “What if I told you voting Republican wasn’t his mission?”

Catchy, eh? The majority of us will probably agree to the second sentence, and naturally then concede that he was probably right about his first claim as well.

After some thought, the answer to his very first question appears direct and simple.

Jesus did not, never did come to abolish religion. There are plenty of scriptural evidences to support this. Jesus was born into the Jewish religion. Jesus, God in flesh, chose to be presented to the Jewish temple, according to Jewish customs, after His birth. Jesus, at the age of 12, followed his parents to their annual ‘religious’ pilgrimage to Jerusalem. In Matt 5:17, Jesus says boldly, “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law and the Prophets. I have come not to abolish them but to fulfil them” (NIV). When the Pharisees and the scribes questioned Jesus regarding the Jewish practice of keep the Sabbath holy, Jesus response was not to negate or nullify the practise of Sabbath but to restore the practice to its correct disposition. He called on the Pharisees to remember the true nature of the practice, that is to live Sabbath for praise and gratitude towards God, with Christ as the centrepiece.

Jesus came to fulfil the true calling of a religion, that is to know God, to love God and to serve God with all our heart, our mind, our soul and our strength. If abolishing religion was Jesus’ aim, then He would have stood against all the Jewish religious practices of the time. But that is not what Christ did. He wasn’t against the religious practices. He was against distorted religious practices that instead of being directed to God’s glorification, was directed towards self-glorification. The Pharisees were so obsessed with keeping the Laws, so that they may appear worthy before God and those around them. The religious practices ended up putting the focus on self. These religious practices, are suppose to edify us and redirect our focus and thoughts back to God, so that God becomes the central theme of our lives, and rituals such as the Passover and keeping the Sabbath holy are there so that making Christ the central theme of our lives becomes an innate habit. The problem was not with religion or religious practices but was with a self-directed religion and religious practice.

The young man, then goes on to say that,

“If religion is so big, why has it started so many wars?
Why does it build huge churches but fails to feed the poor?
Tell single moms God doesn’t love them, because they have ever had a divorce.”

Does religion call people to go on war against each other? I don’t think i’ve heard of many religions that call on their followers to wage war against another human being. Then, why were there wars in the name of religion? Is it not obvious that these wars were self-seeking in nature but hid behind the banners of religion? Didn’t as many people oppose war because they had a sound religious understanding as did those who wanted to wage war in the name of religion? Religion isn’t bad. It is the misuse of religion for self-seeking purposes that is bad.

Why does it build huge churches but fails to feed the poor?

Ever wondered why Christ was so ticked off when He saw business going on in temple grounds? Why did Christ drive out the businesses that were taking place in temple grounds. Why did he say to them, “My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations'? But you have made it 'a den of robbers.'"

If a church is just a building that can be anything, anywhere, however; if the externalities of church are of no value, then why was Jesus so cheesed off by those selling at the temple? After all, prayers and teaching were still taking place in the temple. What caused Jesus to become irate and chase the people out?

It is because Jesus himself preached the holiness of the physical temple. Because Jesus himself taught that the externalities are a reflection of the internalities. And such, there is substantial investment that goes into the building of a church, because it is a reflection of God’s presence in the world. The Church, is a place where God truly comes to be present in times of worship. During Mass, for the Catholics, the bread is truly transformed into the flesh of Christ, meaning the church is a place where Christ’s Real Presence comes to be. The physical church is a reflection of God’s presence on earth. How then, can a church be left to look like a shack or an empty building with no reflection of God’s glory and beauty?

After all, all riches come from God (when earned righteously). Do you not think that the same God would provide for the building of the church just as He would provide for the feeding of the poor? It is when we become self-directed/self-centred that we begin to think that feeding the poor supersedes the glorification of God. And although externally this may seem right, it is not. Why? Because then, we still put the focus on ourselves, on our Doing, on our might. What can I DO for the poor? Instead of focusing on BEing with God, and allowing Him to work through us, we put the focus on ourselves. Good actions without spiritual directions are empty activism and that is not what God is calling Christians to be.

Of course, God is not saying, ignore the poor. There is no way one can put all the focus on God, and consciously end up neglecting the poor, the marginalised neighbours around. If that happens, one probably has an impaired and distorted relationship with God. God calls us to relationship with Him, so that we can learn to have a relationship with those around us, and treat those around us in accordance to the value bestowed on them. It is not so much about having a good relationship with others, so that we can have a good relationship with God. On the other hand, the contrary is more true.

The Catholic Church very well known for her beautiful, huge churches is also the largest charitable organisation in the WORLD (all contributions collectively) (Reference: http://pseudo01.hddn.com/vod/cchvideo.catholicscomehom2/pdf/Epic_proof.pdf).

The Church has built numerous hospitals, orphanages, schools and colleges always known for quality. How then can one claim that the Church has built huge churches but failed to feed the poor?

This young rapper said,

“See, the problem with religion is it never gets to the core

It’s just behavior modification, like a long list of chores”

Did Christ come and say that there will be no longer rules governing people? Did He say that there will be no expectations from those who profess their belief in Him? What exactly are chores? Chores are everyday tasks that may sometimes be unpleasant and yet is necessary.

Religion is not a long list of chores, but it definitely includes expectations. Christ did many times preach on what is expected of Christians, his followers.

That we are to forgive infinitely,

that we are to love our neighbour as we love ourselves,

that we are to go, sell everything we have, give it to the poor, and follow Him,

that we are to cut our hands or legs off if it stands in our way to the kingdom of heaven,

that we are to repent of our sins and return to God’s love,

that what God has bound we are not to divide,

that we are to die for our family and friends,

that we are to eat His flesh and drink His blood.

Christ did give us a long list of ‘chores’, for the lack of a better word, to follow. How do we respond to that?

If we are looking for a ‘religion’ with no restriction, where everything goes, where everyone can do whatever they want to do, where everyone can be whatever they want to be and not face consequences for those choices, I am sorry to tell you that Christianity is not what you are looking for.

If you think Christ came to promote a lifestyle of inconsequential freedom, then you have been mislead. True freedom comes with ‘abiding’ or ‘attuning’ yourself to God’s will. The consequence of inconsequential freedom is unfulfillment and degradation of the human understanding of self-value.

I can go on and respond to everything that the young rapper said. However, that would mean that this post will be too long (much longer than it already is) and fail to get the message across.

The point at the end of the day, is to listen to messages and carefully and critically examine them using our sound reasoning (which were formed by many years of RELIGIOUS education) complemented with the teachings of the Church guided by the Holy Spirit, before accepting them to be true and propagating them. It is about being aware that a message that relays a convenient faith does not necessarily hold truth, and a message that relays an inconvenient faith is not necessarily false.

In life, we are to seek what is Right, what is Truth and not seek to be Right, or to be True.

Only then, will we be able to follow the directions of Truth, which at the end of the day, is not a thing to know but a Person.

2011-12-24T13:05:00.003+08:00

2011 has been a monumental year. To think again, 2009 to 2011 has been phenomenal and is definitely a year of exponential growth. I feel like I have changed 360°. I’ve learnt so much about so many things, that I can never share them all because there’s just too many and not all may be relevant to everyone. Never has my mind and thoughts been so clear, so grounded, so sure. Sure not because I know what is coming, but sure because I know it is in the hand of God, who bring good out of all that happens.

2011 has been a year of learning to trust, to let go, to love, and to fall.

It’s been a year of never ending blessing. A year of dependency on God, a year of letting go of insecurities. It's the year that I finally learned to let fear be subordinated to Love and not vice versa.

It’s the year that this meagre girl with no extraordinary background traversed to 5 countries (Singapore, Hong Kong, Macau, Australia and New Zealand).

It’s the year that God taught me to trust him in a way I never imagined I could. It’s a year where my understanding and knowledge of God grew beyond anything I could anticipate.

A year of perfection in all its imperfection.

Couldn’t have asked for more, but at the same time, I know tomorrow holds so much more, and as usual, something beyond my imagination, for which i look forward to.

Lord, 2012 is entirely in your hands too. :)

Love

2011-11-03T05:56:00.000+08:00

Wait until you are satisfied, fulfilled,

and content with being loved by Me alone,

with giving yourself totally,

unreservedly to Me alone.

I love you, my child.

But until you discover that

only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,

you will not be capable of the perfect

human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another as you desired to be

until you are united with Me,

exclusively of anyone or anything else,

exclusively of any other desires and belongings.

I want you to stop planning and stop wishing,

and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists

one that you can't imagine.

I want you to have the very best.

Please allow me to bring it you to.

Just keep your eyes on Me,

expecting the greatest things.

Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I Am.

Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.

You must be patient.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry.

Don't look around at the things others have.

Dont look at the things you think you want.

Just keep looking to Me,

or you'll miss what I want to give you.

And then when you are ready...

until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me

& the life I have prepared for you,

you won't be able to experience the love that

exemplifies your relationship with Me...

& this is perfect love.

Lust

2011-09-10T12:12:00.004+08:00

Lust. Indeed it is an intriguing element. I was intrigued by the attraction lust has on people.

One could love someone, and yet the desire to lust after that person, or another is still there.

Sometimes, I wonder if love is fighting a losing battle against lust, since it seems as if lust is winning in more instances than love.

Marriages built on love, break because of affairs that begin in lust. Sometimes, we want love but at the same time, we want to keep lust at the side.

I, once asked my friend, what was the difference between lust and passion. And he didn’t know.

I guess that might explain (a little) why lust is the choice. Perhaps most of us do not even really know what lust is and its nature.

Lust can attract even the kindest of soul.

I know that despite having understood the nature of lust, the consequences, the ugliness, the sinfulness, it can still appear to be rather attractive even to me. And it is for this very fact, I wanted to examine it more closely. This sinful nature, which despite it ugliness, yet appears attractive.

What is it about lust that is so attractive, that many of us either indulge in it some way, or are trapped in it, enchained by an addiction to it, destroyed by it, or some of us are so engulfed by it that has become a second nature to us?

When we hear the word ‘Lust’, some of us may think of sexual urge. I know that I did. I used to think that sexual urge equalled to lust. Here’s the big news.

Sexual urge is NOT lust.

Sexual urge is a naturally present desire, element whose end will be union of two flesh to become one. Sexual urge is a gift that has a unitive and procreative end. Without sexual urge, the union of two persons to become one, and to give of themselves wholly and fully to the other cannot be possible. Procreation will not be possible. So, let’s remember this. Sexual urge is NOT lust, it is not sinful. It is a gift that has a greater end in the mind.

But just like any other gift we have, it can be used for good, for its rightful purpose or it can be used for bad, for wrong purposes. What we do with sexual urge determines the final outcome.

Lust is an outcome of sexual urge that is not mastered according to human will, reason and dignity. Lust is when sexual urge is misused or is treated like an animal instinct (which it is not since it has been given to humans).

Lust is basically any act (mental, physical, emotional) in which a human person, or his body parts are used merely as an object for gratification. Lust is using someone as a means to an end, in most cases, the end is pleasure. Lust is when sexual urge is misused out of its natural context for selfish indulgences.

Love is when the person is the end, and sex is a means used to achieve union with that person as the end. Sex is an expression of love, in which two individuals committed to each other, bound by marriage, choose to give of themselves to each other wholly, and are open to bearing fruit through that union in the form of children.

Despite knowing all this, despite understanding the selfish, destructive nature of lust, something about it attracts even me and that is why I decided to analyse it, to break it down.

As I thought about it, I recognised a light pattern.

I know that the first time I ever watched porn (yes, I’ve watched porn. Wished I didn’t but I did.), it was partially out of curiosity to know the nature of the content of this genre of video that everyone was talking about, but I also realised it was after a heart-break, a painful rejection that I was most curious about porn. That itself pointed me to a better understanding on lust.

Lust becomes attractive when Love seems too far away, unattainable or too difficult. When Love seemed unfair or painful, Lust becomes an attractive option. Lust had the capability to temporarily numb the pain that Love can cause. That is because Lust is devoid of Love.

Lust was capable of numbing the pain caused by Love because Lust desecrates Love, strips it down of its original purity and dignity, and humiliates it.

Have you ever experienced a moment when someone hurts you, and you were so filled with pain and anger that you wanted to inflict pain back on the person? That’s what Lust does to Love.

When I felt that Love was being unfair to me, and caused me incessant hurts, Lust became an attractive option for revenge on Love. Since no matter how hard I tried to love right, Love has found me unworthy of itself, I wanted to hurt Love by choosing Lust, it’s enemy, it’s total opposite. Lust is everything Love fights against. What better way to hurt Love than through Lust?

One resorts to Lust when one gives up on Love. One resorts to Lust when Love poses too much risk, requires too much effort, too much giving of self. One resorts to Lust when we are convinced that self-centredness is a justifiable self-preservation method.

Lust is the easier, safer option. It revolves more around my satisfaction. In Lust, I might not even need the other person, that’s where masturbation becomes an option. With Lust, self-sufficiency is possible. It gives one the delusion of safety from pains and hurts.

What we don’t realise is that Lust is the counterfeit that can only offer temporary gratification and distraction from our hearts deepest desires, but it can never fulfil it. Lust is what we settle for when we’re deceived into thinking that we are not worthy of Love. But at the end of the day, the heart’s deepest desire will always be Love. Always. Because we were created by Love, in Love and for Love. And nothing else can give us the fulfilment we’re looking for, than Love.

It was these realisations and God’s abundant grace that gives me the determination to always, always, always try to choose Love over Lust in all situations, regardless of how tempting the situation may be.

Love will always be the first, and only true love. Lust can only be the imperfect compromise, the counterfeit.

Lord, show us the way back to Love, when Lust blinds us. Amen.

Mystery

2011-08-08T18:27:00.001+08:00

It’s been more than a week since I left my betrothed for a strange land called Australia to pursue my PhD.

Hmmm. One may wonder how is it that when one of the, if not the biggest incident in my life happened, I have yet to write anything about it. I know I wondered. In many ways, the incident that took place was so overwhelming that I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I was shocked that it actually happened. I got the scholarship. Against all odds. I am not exaggerating. Although, throughout the entire process of application and pushing and waiting for a scholarship I remained (almost delusionally) optimistic, reality knows that the probability of me getting the scholarship was like, at most, 15%. The scholarships are given to fellow UM staffs, who have yet to complete their Masters or PhD. There is an entire waiting list that the staffs get on, and then they wait for a turn to have a shot at the scholarship. And of course there are quotas involved as well. Some have waited for years on the list to be offered the scholarship.

I was no permanent staff in UM. I have only been a tutor for half a year, and that was not even known when they offered me the scholarship. Though some of my friends feel that it is a well deserved scholarship, I know that it is not true. I am merely a degree holder, and yes I am a first class holder and I can do a direct PhD but so many other students can do that too. In fact, a direct PhD is not really an advantage if you ask me. It means that I have less training in research. I am not the right skin colour. And yet, I got the scholarship. It shocked me, really. I just never really showed it or admitted. I wanted to be so optimistic, that I wasn’t ready to show any signs of doubt, though deep down, I knew this was close to impossible. And yet, it happened.

And that’s why I couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t grasp how is it that God would love me that much, to bless me that abundantly. I think it is more of why would God love me that much? I have nothing to offer. I have nothing good to put on the table, I am full of flaws, and yet God loves me so much that He wants to bless me so ridiculously. I cannot fathom it. I was literally speechless. It was a mystery to me. It still is. And even as I write this, I still can’t come up with a conclusion. It is a dead-end writing. There is nothing I can say that could do justice for the grace that has been bestowed in my life, and the abundance of love that continues to flood and rejuvenate me.

Nothing.

Becoming Hong Kong yan for 6 days... *continued

2011-06-07T09:44:00.003+08:00

Lesson #4: The difference faith makes.

To some it may be complacence, to some it may be delusion or perhaps even apathy, but faith in God helped me approach many situations rather calmly. I never panicked, regardless how ‘risky’ the situation looked, because I knew with conviction that God was with us, and that things will just work out. This conviction came not from blind faith but from personal experiences in which God always made things work out. Always. Not just in big things like exams, universities, healing from hurts, safety, family but even in the simpler things like catching my bus on time, finding parking, finding good food, recovering faster from sickness just in time for an exam or something I wanted to attend, finding the perfect shoe, singing in a talent show. To me, for as long as I have done whatever that is within my strength and given my best, God will always bless and take care of the rest, even if circumstances look bleak and unpromising. Rohene very often looked stressed when we were manoeuvring to a place. I never quite felt stressed for these because I have had enough experiences (=data) to know that these things will fall into place. Rohene was worried that we might miss the flight back to KL and was only able to relax when we’ve entered and sat in the plane. Never did that thought come into my mind. Missing the flight. Not when we’ve checked-in on time. The departure gates opened at 8.30pm. We were running towards it at 8.35pm. Rational told me that the rest of the passengers can take up to 5 mins or more to pass through. Regardless of everything, God blesses and we would still catch that flight. I was convinced of that. And if by some really odd chance, we miss it, then there must be something really important that God wants to tell me through that incidence. So I never quite worried.

I only came to see the difference faith has made in my life, when I looked at Rohene’s stressed out face when we finally sat in the plane, and I realised that I didn’t share her panic. It fascinated me initially and I wondered whether it was just me not understanding the seriousness of the situation or if it was just apathy. When I realised it was actually faith built over years of experience and observation, I felt grateful for the gift of faith. Travelling becomes that much less stressful when we have faith, when we include God to be a part of the experience. I guess that applies to every other aspect in life too.

I also came to realise that circumstances do not stress me, people do. That is something I definitely need to work on. If I can trust God with circumstances, why can’t I do the same with people.

Now, it’s time to have some faith on the people responsible for the Obedient Wives’ Club, that they will one day grow wise and use the gift of intellect and rational that God has given them. I refrain from writing about this issue because we all know what we think about it, most of us atleast. We have been blessed with a certain level of awareness to know that what a ‘brilliant’ idea it is, an idea that demeans the value of a human person, both man and woman. Other (selfish) reason to not write about it is that it would only leave me frustrated and agitated. So, why bother.

Becoming Hong Kong yan for 6 days...

2011-06-06T10:44:00.003+08:00

Lessons from HK travel.

Lesson #1: Always travel with persons you’ve known for similar length/for substantial number of years, especially if they are boys :P. I have come to conclude that it may not be the wisest of decisions to travel with 2 friends you’ve known for 12 years, whereas the other two, you’ve barely known for a 6 months. The great disparity between the level of comfort and knowledge of the two different group of friends can really strain the travelling experience. As newly-made acquaintances, both parties have yet to know and truly understand the characters of each other. Therefore, the possibility of misunderstandings are great. Especially since self-planned travels (i.e not following a tour) can be quite challenging and stressful. I wish I could say that I am open to travelling with anyone but I am not up for that kind of challenge, atleast not right now.

Lesson #2: Enough rest and sleep are CRUCIAL for an enjoyable travel. Although one would love to see as many things as possible during one’s stay at the destination, the lack of rest and especially sleep leads to a decrease in the capacity to enjoy one’s trip. Furthermore, it also leads to increased irritability among co-travellers. This irritability may or may not cause a long-term strain on the friendship between travellers, depending on the stability or strength of the friendship. Fortunately, Rohene, Agkillah and I were able to come out of this laughing at the misunderstandings we had. Perhaps that's really a testament to the strength of our 12-year friendship.

Lesson #3: Don’t hold back on spending. Sounds like a bad advice? Think again. Once we’ve set a budget for the travelling, spend generously to maximise enjoyment as long the expenditure remains within the set budget. It is good to set a lower and upper quartile for the spending limit, so as to be able to gage the maximum limit for expenditure as well as the minimum. Trying to save money while you’re travelling (although you’re already within budget) may lead to regrets which you’d have to wait for years before they can be undone. I was trying to be so ‘SAFE’ with my expenditures that I ended up saving 400 HKD unnecessarily. I was still within my allotted budget, was nowhere near hitting my upper quartile (which was 5000HKD) and yet I still tried to save money. Not setting my lower quartile may have been the problem. My median was 3700HKD, and I saved 400 HKD out of that. At the end of the day, I came back with lesser souvenirs than I wanted to and now I am dying to just go back and buy more stuff. Don’t try to safe money, unless you’re approaching your upper quartile. That’s my advice, to myself atleast.

Think that’s enough for today. Shall share more sometime soon.

Allow me to share a picture from our travel.

Lesson: time spent with close friends are more important to me than anything else. More than what we do, where we go, what we eat etc (though these elements do help enhance the experience, they are not obligatory. :P)

Gratitude

2011-05-26T09:02:00.002+08:00

Perhaps my devotion and desire for You can be sometimes baffling,
Perhaps what drives me so close to You and Your works is fascinating,
Perhaps, the fact that I am where I am today purely because of You is not very well known,
Perhaps the fact that all the things that could have unsurprisingly gone wrong and yet they never did (seeing the background I come from) was no coincidence,

Perhaps I failed to proclaim that every inch of my life has been so blessed because of your grace, that it is perfection, and that is no exaggeration.

You have made all things wonderful, perfect, O Lord, and that is no coincidence.
That is simply purely the Love You have for Your people.
Perhaps, no one knows, that You made have literally ALL things possible through You and for that I am truly truly grateful Lord.

For the many great wonderful things I know comes my way, not because of who I am, but because of who You are, I will forever be indebted in soul and body, in mind and heart to You, My Lord.

The Royal Wedding

2011-05-03T12:06:00.005+08:00

The institution of marriage has been so desecrated that lately, it has been so difficult for me to truly see and believe the purity and beauty that lies within it. The selfless and total gift of self to the other in marriage, has become somewhat of a taboo, impractical and delusional. As I watched the royal wedding, I was intrigued by the number of people who tuned in to watch the wedding. What is it about royal weddings that attract us, so much so that we would leave early from work, skip daily mass, talk our friends and family into rescheduling any plans that we may have had, just so that we can sit through and watch the wedding?

For your information, I didn’t do any of the above actually. I came back home as I normally would, took a short nap (although the royal wedding preparation was being screened on the tv), then got ready to attend the daily mass, walked down to the common hall of my hostel to find so many of my fellow residents gathered and following the wedding rather faithfully. I managed to catch a glimpse of Kate in her wedding dress, just before she got into the car to leave to Westminster Abbey Church before I left to attend mass in church. And I absolutely loved that dress. It was completely ethereal to me. I was telling Kathlin how it was exactly what I had in mind for my wedding (Not exaggerating!!!!). It is almost identical to what I had in mind for mine. I loved the laced sleeves, I loved the V-neckline, I loved the collar. It was beautiful. Then I went for mass, and then dinner, and then came back just in time to catch the royal kiss by the balcony. What are the odds? God blesses abundantly. He had no reason to but He still did.

So, yeah. Why share all this? Well, I came to realise that I had a subtle sense of contempt for the wedding. Sad but true. Perhaps it was because I was beginning to lose hope that love that is true and pure and God-centred existed and watching the royal wedding only made me feel like that this picture of perfection and fairy tale is but a lie and delusion. As I sat through mass, shared with God my doubts on this institution called marriage, my hopelessness was transformed into hopefulness, despair into trust.

I believe that the reason the royal wedding draws such a crowd of an audience is because of the so-called fairy tale-like nature of the wedding, the perfection that is portrayed, and the purity of the relationship and the magnanimous nature of the union.

And the reasons these elements draw our attention is because there is a strong desire hidden in the depths of our hearts to experience such a love and relationship in our lives too. We too desire for love that is grand, life-giving and life-transforming, love that is pure and unifying. We desire a love that is beautiful in such a grand scale; hence our fascination with royal weddings. Our fascination with the royal weddings reveals our desire for love that is more divine than utilitarian, love that is more fruitful than just pornographic, love that is more purified than just a result of a combination of human weaknesses.

The only problem is, although we know what we desire, we are not interested in pursuing such a thing in our lives, because we have been made to believe that such a love either doesn’t exist or is up to luck, or because it requires a lot of great efforts and making difficult choices, which we are not prepared to make. We desire but we are unwilling to give so much of ourselves, and work and effort to obtain it. Perhaps, sloth (i.e a sadness that arises from the fact that the good is difficult to obtain; and so we settle not to pursue it) is the evil that has robbed us of the fulfilment of the many desires that we feel in our hearts.

(Additional note: *In order to attain a higher value one must exert a greater effort of the will. So in order to spare ourselves the effort, to excuse our failure to obtain this value, we minimize its significance, deny it the respect it deserves. From Love and Responsibility by John Paul II)

But at the end of it all, despite the hopelessness I felt as I came to realize how unwilling we are to give what it takes to reap love in its fullest form, I was subsequently filled with the joy and hope of the promise of Christ, that because it is He who leads my life, then things will blessed against the norm, that He will bring good out of everything that can and may happen (even the not-so-good things) and eventually answer my prayers, and fulfill the desires in my heart, the desires which He placed in me.

And so I will wait, knowing that His promise will be accomplished because He desires for each of us a life lived in union with another (either in marriage or religious life) as He lives in union with Father and the Spirit.

Acceptance and Love

2011-03-30T11:28:00.006+08:00

They say loving someone means we must accept them for who they are. I agree. Acceptance is a very important part of any relationship. If I love you, then I should accept all your quirks, strengths, weakness, past mistakes, future responsibilities etc.

But I do wonder if acceptance means to never disagree.

If I knew what you are doing or choosing is bad for you, impedes your growth, potential and goodness as a person, then am I suppose to just accept what you do? Is that what loving you means?

I think we have somewhat become confused. We have concluded (rather ignorantly, I must say) that to accept someone means to agree and accept all the decisions he/she makes without any questions

Although acceptance is an important aspect of love, a greater challenge in love, greater than acceptance is the challenge to consciously decide to ALWAYS choose what is good for the person we love. We are not saying that we will make the decisions for the person, we are saying that whatever that is under our decision making territory, we will ensure those decisions bring good for the person we love, EVEN if it strains the relationship itself.

To choose to do something that is not good for the person we love, but is good for our relationship is actually quite selfish. The desire to preserve a relationship above choosing what is good for the other, just because it involves our own selves, or just because straining that relationship may lead to many heartaches and discomfort is a rather selfish decision.

It is like saying that, although I know that this particular decision you’re making (let’s say) is fatal, I will allow you to make it, because I accept you and all your decisions, and because I don’t want to lose our friendship. Although it may seem as if the latter action is stemmed from goodness, in actual fact it is selfish in nature.

Truly loving someone means to not only accept them as who they are, it also means to always make choices that are good for the person involved.

Should a mother, accept her child’s choice to consume poison just because it was the child’s choice and she should respect that choice? Respect for the freedom of choice ma! Sounds ridiculous, isn’t it? Of course the mother should express her disapproval on the choice the child has made, educate the child on the dangers of poison, and coax the child to not consume poison.

I hope we agree atleast on that.

Keeping that in mind, let us apply this to a different picture.

Should I just accept that some women or men just choose to be sex workers? That to some of them, it is just a way of earning an income? Is accepting them as individuals and respecting their freedom of choice mean that I should accept that to some of them, sex work is a form of career?

I can’t. Not because sex work is morally wrong, neither because it is ‘desecration of sex’. I am against sex work and legalisation of sex work because these decisions do not bring good for the person involved. Yes, perhaps, they can earn a living and that’s a good thing, right? Yes, they can earn a living, but they do so by giving away the most delicate and intimate part of themselves, to mere strangers. Their customers take something from these persons something that never belonged to them (customers) in the first place. And whether we are willing to acknowledge it or not, sexual relations with mere strangers have its psychological, emotional and spiritual effects on the sex workers.

The act of sexual intercourse is not merely a physical action, with biological implications (though some of us want so badly to believe that to be true). Sexual intercourse has the potential to give life. That itself can tell us so much about the act. Can an act that is capable of giving life, be nothing more than a physical act? Can life be formed without any spiritual participation? If we say ‘Yes, life can be formed simply by physical action, with no spiritual engagement’, then does that mean life is nothing but a biological process? Are we saying that we do not possess a soul or a spirit? Are we saying that we are nothing but multi-celled organisms that undergo processes for survival? Are we going to deny something that is known to be true simply because we cannot see it? Don’t we believe in the galaxies though we have not seen them? Aren’t thoughts a proven element though we can never see them? Then, why is it so difficult to believe that each of us possess a soul, a spirit? If we do believe that each of us possess a soul, then why do we think that the act of sexual intercourse is a merely physical act with no spiritual implications? Then, why do we think, that conception, a life-forming phenomenon wouldn’t include the gift of a soul as well to complement that life?

Because the act of sexual intercourse is not only a physical union between the two persons involved, because it is an act that involves union also at the spiritual level (because it is a life-giving act), and hence can you imagine the kind of fragmentation that occurs to a sex worker who unites in soul and body with different persons on a daily basis and then go on to separate from that union in a very short period of time? How can we then, say that such an act will not have any destructive effects on the sex worker’s physical, emotional and spiritual state?

Liberalism is good but it can bring about negative implications if used in extreme manners, without putting proper thoughts into it.

We may think that we are fighting for equal rights for sex workers. However, are we fighting for something that is good for them or are we fighting for something that is destructive for them? We care for the sex workers, but do we love them? Are we choosing to do what is good for them? Or are we choosing only to look at the first layer and ignore the rest of the layers of implications that come with that action?

A mother can be misunderstood by the child, when she chooses what is good for the child. Because what is good for child may not necessarily make the child happy at that point in time but a mother will still choose it, because to the mother, it does not matter if the child is upset or does not like the mother anymore. To the mother, what matter most is what is good for the child, above what is good for the mother, above what is good for the relationship.

I am not here to judge sex workers. Really. There must be a reason why they chose sex work. There must be something that has made them forget their own great value. I am sure they are beautiful amazing people. I have no doubt on that. There must be a reason they have made the choice they’ve made.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t tell them that they were created for so much more, with great value. That doesn’t mean that I won’t express disagreement if I know that the choices they are making for themselves is not good for them, rather it is destructive. I cannot decide for them, I cannot impose on them but I must, I must atleast do whatever that is in my power to help them make the right choice. I cannot champion sex work as a career option (under the false pretence of fighting for their rights) because it is not what is good for them.

If your own child came up to you and said that she would like to choose pornography or sex work as a career option, will you be instinctively supportive of it, simply because it is her freedom of choice or would you try to stop her and help her see the implications of her choice, hoping that she will learn to choose what is good for her?

Why can’t we treat sex workers with the same care we would have for our own children, for our own family members?

Week of regrets? :(

2011-03-16T11:54:00.002+08:00

So, there was PAG (Persons’ Are Gifts’ ) camp which took place over the weekend.

Well, to put it very briefly, it was very challenging as a facilitator but very fulfilling as a person.

There were about 9 sessions in the camp, out of which I facilitated 3 sessions which were ‘How Tightly Wrapped Are You?’, BGR (boy-girl relationship) and finally God’s love.

Of the three, BGR (though some opined that this is my forte) was, what I felt, the worst. The session was divided into a separate boys and girls session. One of my fellow facilitator, Jon, handled the boys’ separate session whereas I handled the girls’ separate session. By God’s grace, the girls’ session went quite well. Based on feedbacks, it made the necessary impact, and the message that I intended to deliver, was delivered. Unfortunately, the joint session, which was facilitated by me, was a total disaster (it was to me). I still am very disappointed with my presentation. Perhaps only 10-15% of what was planned initially was delivered. For some weird reason, I felt that the message that was originally intended in the session, was somewhat too mature for this group of teens, especially the boys. For some reason, I opined that this information was not relevant to this group, that the information was too high up there for them. For that reason, I took out many essential parts from the session, and at the end of the day, I felt the session failed to deliver the intended message. Frustration still fills me. Who am I to decide whether the message is too challenging for them or irrelevant to them? I have underestimated their capability to grasp the message, and now I will never be able to find out or even rectify the mistake. I am truly sorry, Lord for my failures and inefficiency and I pray Father, that my shortcomings did not deprive any of the teens of the possibility of clarity and guide in matters regarding BGR. I truly failed. Lack of preparation and the inability or perhaps even a lack of effort to relate to the teen boys may have lead to this failure. Whatever it is, it can no longer be rectified. All I can do is sigh. Again and again.

All in all, at this point of time, I feel like I have failed greatly and have deprived the teens’ of the possibility of some impactful transformation.

Lord, have mercy on me in your constant love. In your compassion, blot out my sin. Cleanse me of evil, and wash me clean of my guilt.

That’s only the first regret of the week. Second regret of the week, is in relation to the mistakes I made in a past friendship. I guess I can’t help but blame myself for everything that has taken place.

I know that it was my weaknesses that lead to us losing that friendship. It was I who did not guard my heart right. It was me who made the wrong choices, choices that was neither good for our friendship, nor for ourselves. It was my sentimentality that has us brought here. If only I had guarded my heart right, if only I was firm and not so weak.

If that wasn’t enough, I was too weak to continue to be friends. So much has been lost.

Will you forgive me and my limitations?

Some things are meant to be lost. But this loss, I am responsible for it. But there is no turning back.

Lord, help me rely on your wisdom and not mine.

Abortion: Murder or a justifiable act?

2011-02-17T14:23:00.003+08:00

On the issues pertaining abortion. This was the fruit of a discussion I had on facebook with some pro-choice acquaintances. I am sharing it because I learnt so much myself through the discussion.

Claim: A woman has the right to her own body. She is not a baby-making machine and has the right to abort a baby she is not ready for.

Response: A human person has the gift of will to decide. I believe that the man and woman are aware that every time they participate in sexual intercourse, there is always the possibility of a life being formed. If the couple is not ready for a child, then they should practise self-mastery and refrain from sexual intercourse. A baby is a life, and hence abortion can never be anything short of murder. If we define true freedom as the ability to do anything, anytime and anywhere we want to, we are about to find out that we are wrong. If we advocate that true freedom lies in having the ability to make decision, to an extent that it surpasses the obligatory respect for life, then we have been mislead. If one can choose murder (in this case abortion) because one is the master of one's life and this is one's freedom of choice, then one can also choose to murder his/her 10-year-old daughter if the child is perceived to be inhibiting the parent’s growth as an individual. One can also choose to murder his wife, if he finds her an obstacle in his relationship with another woman, whom he has fallen madly in love with, whom he believes hold his key to a meaningful life.

Fortunately for us, value of a life and the due respect does not come with terms and conditions. A murder is a murder regardless of what stage in life it is performed. The value of life is an objective matter. The value of one's life is never dependent on what he does, what skills or talents he has, how good he is, but by the simple fact that he has life. The value of life is neither altered by the actions, the intentions, nor the method through which that life was conceived.

The Catholic church has never supported abortion. This is because we firmly acknowledge that no one life is of greater value than the other. In the case when the unborn child poses a direct fatal threat to the mother, all will be done to save that life, without intending direct harm to the child. If in the process of saving the mother, the child dies, then we know it was not a result of an intention to kill (even if it was to kill in order to save). Everything possible must be done to try to save both the mother’s and child’s life. If during the course of saving their lives, either the child or the mother dies, then, it is in no case an abortion or murder.

I can understand that the decision to not abort can become a very challenging one, especially when one is in a rather painful situation, such as teen pregnancy, rape, economic situation etc. However, do any of these factors reduce the value of that life growing? No. The value of the life growing inside does not decrease based on situations. It is actually a gift that the value of life is an objective thing, unaltered by circumstances. This actually means that regardless of who you are, what you do, where you stay, how much you earn, your value is equal to every other human person on earth. That is equality of persons in its essence.

When we justify murder according to the circumstances, in this case, abortion is justifiable if it was done with a good intention, ( i.e to preserve the child from trauma as she may not receive the support, love and care she deserves, or because the mother is unable to care for the child) then we are implying that the value of life is subjective.

I can actually apply the same principle into a different situation. If as a mother of a 10-year old, I find myself unable to care for the child, to provide for the child, then I can choose to kill the child. If I know I am going to die soon due to some disease etc, then I can choose to kill my child as I will not be able to provide for the child after death, after which she might end up in a orphanage leading a life far from the ideal. Would you agree with the mother who pushed her 5-year old daughter down the apartment to death (i'm sure you read similar cases in the papers) if she knew she was not able to provide for the child, is that action justified? No. Murder, regardless of the situation or condition, remains a murder. The value of a 10-year old child is the same as the one-month old foetus.

It is actually easier to have a moral stance that can be altered according to our convenience. What is difficult is finding the strength to stand by a moral stance, even if the situation is not to our convenience or benefit.

There is a common misconception that pro-lifers are self-righteous, judgemental, stubborn individuals who do not try to understand the situation the woman is in. Again, when we are against abortion, it is not because we feel we have the right to judge. No one does. 'Let the one here who has not sinned cast the first stone'. No one has the right to judge another. But everyone has the responsibility to care and fight for the value of every human life.

And the beautiful thing is, as a church, even as we have our moral stance, we don't impose it on others. We don't advocate punishments to people who did not have the same stance, or people whose actions violated these moral stances. But that does not stop us from being reminders. And as reminders, we're not saying you are doomed to hell because you have supported/performed abortion. We are saying that we love you enough to want to be honest with you. We love you enough to want you to recognise the value of your life, and every life around you.

Tired

2011-01-23T23:20:00.005+08:00

I am very tired. Not physically.

I don't know if people will ever be able to understand.

I am tired of people thinking that if a person loves God, and is devoted to Him, then he or she must definitely be called to the religious life (to be either a priest or a nun).

I am tired of people thinking that just because I have come to discover God's love and have come to understand and receive His joy and love, then I must be called to be a nun.

I am tired of people thinking that just because I love God that much, and that I will always try to put Him first in my life, then I must be unsuitable and uninterested in being in a relationship with a man. I am tired of people thinking that loving God is for the 'holy-molly' people, and for people who are going to become priests and nun.

I am tired!!!!

I am tired of seeing people being blind to not see that a person who loves God and has to come to receive God's love, will be able to love another human person, his/her spouse in the fullness of love God calls him to love. That a person who loves God, will be able to love another person even better.

I am tired of people not wanting to admit that to love God is a calling and gift, which God offers to every one, and not just to the 'holy-molly' people who are called to become priests and nuns.

I am tired of people stereotyping me. Really. I am tired of people thinking that because I have not been in a relationship before, than I would never understand the dynamics of the relationship between a man and a woman. I am tired of people thinking that I am single because I am too holy to be in a relationship. I am tired of people thinking that relationship between man and woman is more for the not-so holy people who don't want to become a nun or priest.

Marriage is a vocation God calls some of us too, the same way priesthood and religious life is.

Stop stereotyping me into that holy-molly, not interested and not capable of a relationship with a man, false, unrealistic perception.

Stop. Holiness is a gift that God offers to everyone who seeks it. Regardless of whether you are married, single, or a priest/nun. Holiness is a gift given to every baptised or God-seeking individual.

The calling to love God is an ordinary calling to every ordinary person. Please don't deny that, and in the process of denying that,please do not alienate me. I am tired.

Secondly, guys, if you love a girl, find the guts to pursuit her and win her over. Work for it. Don't be so lazy to wait for clear signals and signs before you decide to do anything. I mean, if you really truly love the girl, then the risk of embarrassing yourself cannot be so great, to hold you back from pursuing the gift of person this girl means to you. Unless you don't really love her and are just looking for any girl who is easy and convenient to attain. And yes, the guy must make the first move. Courage is one of the traits that define masculinity. Not muscles and 6-packs and great face. So, if you want to show masculinity, find some courage.

If you can work so hard for so many things, why can't you put in proportional effort for the person you wish to share your love for.

I am tired. Tired of trying to figure it all out on my own. Am tired of trying to understand. Tired.

An analysis of love

2011-01-14T15:16:00.004+08:00

The different forms and phases in Love, according to JPII

a. Love as attraction.

Attraction is a form of love, the most basic and preliminary of its kind. Attraction can be viewed as manifestation of a pull towards a ‘good’ we see in the object of attraction, in this case, a human person. The definition of good, however, may differ according to persons and may be influenced by environment, media etc. However, the initial reaction of attraction can also be considered “blind” as the attraction is very often a result of perception. The value of attraction is dependent on whether the good that the attraction is directed to is really what it ought to be, and is not merely perception. Furthermore, attraction should be to the person as a whole (recognizing the value a human person carries), and not just to the values(perceived to be) within a person (eg. kindness, generosity, maturity, humour, wisdom, compassion etc) . Impression is often a result of a perception rooted in an image (clean, sleek, sweet-looking, cute, strong, weak, fair etc) whereas emotion is inspired by a value. Whichever it is, an attraction resulting from an impression or an emotion experienced is most often than not, is not a true indication of the person as a whole. Hence, love cannot attain its fullest form, as it is not one that is proportionate to the value of the person.

Very often, Love as an attraction is the first phase in the action of love. However, it must, by the act of will, grow to become so much more. Love’s fullest form must be the goal.

b. Second form/phase in love, Love as desire.

Upon recognizing the person as a good, we then desire that good for ourselves. We want to have that good for ourselves. How is this different from selfishness? Desire for love and to ‘possess’ the object of love, is not a selfish response. On the other hand, the desire to have that person in our life, as our own, is a direct acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth that we are incomplete on our own, that we are incapable of living in confinement or without companionship. By this desire, we are acknowledging our dependence on another, in order to attain fullness ourself. Of course, when we say that it is our nature to live in companionship, we do not mean, that a single person or priests or monks are then, going against this nature. On the contrary, priests and monks live in companionship of God himself or a greater community (i.e a parish). A single person can still live in companionship of a community. Love as desire is also an indication of our innate desire to have what is good and fruitful. It is an indication of the desire for the ultimate good already inscribed in our souls, a desire for God.

c. Love as goodwill.

As much as I desire her/him for myself, above that, I desire what is good for him/her. I will choose what is good for her, above what is good for me. Here is where, the act of will plays a great role to mature love to its fuller form. Love as attraction and love as desire do not suffice for love to ripen to its true, fullest form. It would require a significant input from the person, by the act of will. What differentiates a human person from an animal?It is the gift of will. Animals have instinct, so do humans. However, the reason why a human person is not subjected to the whims and fancies of instincts is the gift of reason and will that God gave to us. Love can only take on its truest form when Man use one of God’s greatest gift to humankind, the will to perfect love. Regardless of my own inclinations, or weaknesses, or legitimate or illegitimate desires, I will always, by the act of will, choose what is good for my lover, above what is good for me. Perhaps, this is where love starts to become a challenge because it is no longer just something that happens spontaneously, and falls into place perfectly. This is where sacrifice and decisions that may be rather painful to self, need to be made.

And finally,

d. Love as reciprocity.

Love is a bilateral and interpersonal matter. As much as one desires another as a good for themselves and wish to have that good in their lives, above all, he/she would desire that their partner also wishes to share themselves with them. There is a desire, and a need for the love to be reciprocated. Reciprocity is the very nature of love. Why?Because love is not just about my love for you, or your love for me but it is about our love for each other and the desire for this “two” love to be unified and become one. Love can only attain its fullest form when there is reciprocity and union, when that two individual love, by the act of will and self-giving, then unifies and becomes one and bears good fruit. That is the fullest form of love attainable on earth.

And some reflection on a not-so related question,

What is the difference between eros and lust?

Eros, can be translated to erotic love and refers to the passionate mutual exchange of love between a man and woman. Eros is the love that desires for unification with the other that represents good for self. Eros is a gift. It is a gift that must be used to bear good fruit. All gifts are good and from God. However, they have the potential to be used according to man’s will, to bear either good fruits or bad. Similarly, sexual urge and eros, on their own, are gifts, good gifts. However, the fruits of these gifts will dependent on our actions and will. For example, intelligence, on its own, is a good gift. However, it can be used to bear bad fruits (fraud, robbery, forgery etc) or good fruits (scientific discoveries, education, improvement in standards of living etc). How does eros realize its fullest potential as a good gift? When it is infused with agape (unconditional, self-giving, God’s love). When eros infuses itself with agape, then does it attain its truest purpose. In Eros, the person is the end.

Lust is a serious and ugly distortion of love. It is not self-giving but self-seeking and the person and his value are reduced to merely being a means to achieve an end, which is often pleasure or self-gratification. In lust, the human person is objectified (viewed as an object that has the potential of conferring pleasure) and are used either physically, psychologically or mentally to achieve that end. This degrades and pollutes the value and sanctity of the person. Lust, though easy to be confused with Eros due to the similar characteristic of passion, is far from eros and a grave distortion of Eros. Lust is neither capable of infusion with agape nor of bearing good fruits.

Of course, I am not saying that love needs to acquire its fullest form before two people get into a relationship. I am saying that when two people are in a relationship, the fullest and truest form of love should always be the end we're working towards. and anyway, love is not a thing, or an event, it is an ongoing process. So, let's embrace the journey!

All in all, love requires a constant and consistent act of will, that can be challenging. It is not always easy, neither does it grow spontaneous. It requires a lot of hardwork and most of the time, it has very little to do with what we 'feel'. It may not always be pleasant, because it requires self-sacrifice and making choices that though good but not necessarily give happiness (Atleast not short-term).

So, here's to learning to love. If we can work so hard for so many other things in life (money, career, education, goals, dreams etc), why can't we work hard for that one thing we yearn so much in life, love?

Happy loving and learning to love.

for fun...

2011-01-07T12:06:00.004+08:00

It is 7 days past the new year and perhaps many expected a post to either commemorate the past year or one to entail the visions of this coming year, only to see nothing being posted up.

Well, the past week or so has been more of a challenge for me. Perhaps, it was post-Christmas depression. In the week that I should and must have been filled with joy, I was filled with a sense of desolation, despair, discouraged, like nothing mattered. Perhaps it was the effect leaving family and home after spending 10 days with them. Perhaps, it was the realisation that regardless of the friends or the family, I was back to being alone (and perhaps the fear that this may be the reality for many more years to come, or forever escalated the depression). I am but an ordinary human person.

I suppose, the past year or two seem to have been such a waste (though this is absolutely untrue and was just a result of my skewed vision), with no progress, with efforts being wasted, with uncertainty being my most loyal companion, with failures to let go of attachments, for frustration resulting from desire for companionship vagera vagera (which means etc in hindi. :P)

I felt hope was slipping out of my hands and the sense of purpose was beginning to fade away. It took me a while to regain hope and redirect my vision to the Truth. But it is finally here, and hence the first post.

And it is not really an inspirational post. It is simply a post about me.

10 things you would have never known or guessed about me

1. 1. I am a lame rebel. The closest I got to rebelling when the man (who was an Indian) I loved didn’t have the courage to tell me he didn’t feel the same, and blamed it on his parents who will never agree to dating a girl of a different religion, and then went on to get into a relationship with a another girl, and didn’t even have the decency to tell me so, to whose girlfriend, I continued to show care, love and encouragement because she didn’t believe she was good enough for him, was to stop using my hands to eat and switched to cutleries. Don’t get it? That’s how lame a rebel I am. You see, I (mis)concluded that the reason he didn’t/couldn’t reciprocate my love was because I wasn’t an Indian girl enough for him. So, I reacted by rebelling by stopping to be any Indian, which to me, was to switch to cutleries when eating. Yes, sometimes, I am a real joke. That was the only way I would allow myself to rebel publicly to express the anger, frustration and pain I felt on the way he handled the situation. I wasn’t as upset with the fact that he didn’t love me as I was with the fact he didn’t have the courage and decency to be honest with me about it. Lame. I know already. That was about 4 years back. Have grown up since. Atleast I think I have.

2. 2. Though sensibility, practicality, reasoning, logic, intelligence and/or wisdom seem to be key characteristics of mine, as described by others, these qualities seem to just mysteriously disappear when it comes to matters of love. I am an overly optimistic, uncompromisingly ambitious (not on the type of man, but on the values that relationship should stand by), never giving up, pathetically unconditionally, unreasonably giving and frustratingly hopeful when it comes to loving. I’m starting to feel it’s a disorder.

3. 3. I am an introvert. You didn’t know that, did you? Although I can be hyper and mad and energetic and optimistic and enthusiastic and bubbly, I am more comfortable being an introvert. I love spending quiet times just reading, walking or just listening to people. I really do. I enjoy silence very much. Expressing myself verbally is an ardent challenge for me and making conversations with people isn’t as easy. I always make the effort to get to know the strangers and the new people I meet because I believe God has placed them there in my life for a reason and I never want to miss out on that gift. Greedy, I must say.

4. 4. As a teen, I was difficult, temperamental, rude and angry. I hated my mother for forcing me to do many things I hated. I was always quick to throw a tantrum. I had a sharp tongue which I’ve used to hurt, especially, my mom. I am not at all, proud of it. I regret it entirely. It is one of those things I am very ashamed of in my life. Transformation came slowly when I was approaching 16 years of age, through the sacrament of confirmation. No kidding. So much has changed since. Relationship with parents has been very blessed. Worked past our past hurts. And have learned to express our love for each other since. Thank you God.

5. 5. I am a dreamer. Literally. I dream A LOT. Almost every time I sleep. I’m always dreaming. There’s almost always friends and families involved. When I was younger, I used to dream that I am saving the world from evil forces. I am always trying relocate people to safety, hide them if necessary. I am always running in my dreams from the bad guys. Though, I don’t dream of saving in such big scales nowadays, I still do dream of saving my friends and families from the trouble, or pain or discouragement they are experiencing. I still do dream of reaching out and helping them in the most ordinary and simplistic way I can think of. Have I dreamt of being saved by someone else? Yes, a particular friend, and very often, my father. I love my dad. He is the most courageous, self-sacrificial man I know.

Write 5 first lar, uh? Because I can't think of the others yet.

And finally, the quote that I came across that I loved,

"Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand and whose significance we may never discover. But we always know when some rules need to be broken." Paulo Coelho

The Search

2010-12-13T15:53:00.006+08:00

We all are seeking something in life. There is a void in us, and whether we are aware of the presence of this void or not, our actions are very often a reflection of our search to find that something that would fill the void. In a weird way, we are not aware of what exactly that ‘something’ is. We do not know exactly what we are looking for. But we continue to seek for that something.

Along the way in life, sometimes, some of us may infer that perhaps that void is to be filled by personal achievements or accomplishments. Perhaps we think that if we do something ‘GREAT’ with our lives, if we achieve excellence, then we will be fulfilled and the void will no longer be there. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make something better or great out of our lives, there is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve excellence. However, when we think that these achievements are the end that we’re working towards, the end that will fill up the void in us, then we are setting ourselves up for a disappointment. It will not take much time till we soon realise that these elements do not fill the void that seem to be present in us. Such a result may frustrate us, that after all the effort we’ve put into achieving excellence, the void is still there, present as it was before. That after all the hard work and dedication, after all the achieving and accomplishing, we come to see that these did not fill up the void.

Some of us may give up and decide to do with life whatever we please, as we do not seem to be able to find the answer to fill that void. So, we may end up chasing the quick temporary gratifications and pleasures, that help us forget the presence of that yearning and void. But only for a short moment. Once the effects of these pleasure wear off, we begin searching for another quick temporary gratification that would help us forget that thirst (temporarily).

Some of us, on the other hand, do not give up, but begin identifying other elements as possible answers to fulfilling that void. In many instances, we conclude that perhaps the presence of a person of the opposite sex as a life partner would be the answer to this void. So, we invest all we have in finding this person. Once we’ve found this person, we invest all our energy and commitment to nurturing this relationship to a point of marriage. In marriage, we give all that we have to this commitment that we believe would fill the void within us. And once again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to invest in relationships, be it friendship, or exclusive relationship between man and woman. There is nothing wrong in giving all that we have to nurture that relationship/marriage. The danger is when these relationship become the end we’re working towards in our lives, because we believed that they would fulfil the void in us. Deeper into our marriage or relationship, we come to realise that this person does NOT fill that void within us.

After this experience, some may give up on investing in relationships all together, whereas some may conclude that they haven’t found the ‘right’ person. That previous partner was the ‘wrong’ person and so we begin searching once again for this seemingly ‘right’ person. It is this perception that has lead to the crazy number of divorces occurring now. This misconstrued perception that the void is to be filled by another man or woman leads us on a frantic search of this one person, who we seem never to find. Then, we give up the belief that we are created to be with one person who will be with us until the end of time exists. We conclude that such a belief is too ideal, unrealistic and a myth. So, we choose to simply live on a day-to-day basis. We resort to subjectivity. We make a choice to love another. We come to a conscious conclusion that although, a person may seem to be the right person for us today, tomorrow, it may not be so anymore and we are prepared to face that. We programme into our minds that we are free to move on to another, when the time comes. The tragic thing is, the more we move around from a man to a man, or from a woman to a woman, the more hopeless and empty we feel. The more evident the void becomes, the more unfulfilled we are.

Perhaps, what may help is to begin by finding the courage to truly describe and understand what the desire within us is yearning for. What is the void really telling me? What am I yearning for? What am I searching for?

I see in me a strong deep desire that yearns for an eternal, pure relationship that persists against time. I yearn for a relationship that is filled with all goodness. I yearn for a love that is unconditional, one that is not dependent on my ‘performance’ or on ‘what I can offer’ but a love that exists by choice, regardless of the circumstances or my conditions. What an ideal and maybe even an unfair desire. Am I able to reciprocate such love with equality? No. Although unable to love another in the same way, I desire to be loved in that way.

Perhaps that itself gives me so much answer already. Perhaps, I was too blind to recognise the answer that was almost shouting out to me, wanting to answer me.

Who can love me in such a way, though I will not be able to love him equally? Who will be able to love me with the goodness and perfection that I desire for, for eternity? Who will be able to fulfil that void in my heart when the heart is yearning for perfection? Who is perfect?

……………………………………………………………………

The Divine Lover. God. The Creator. The Unconditional Lover. The Perfect Being. The Alpha and the Omega. The Complete, Whole, Perfect One.

Who but God?

It is this realisation that the body, mind and spirit is screaming for. That the yearning is actually for God. Not for achievement, excellence, status, nor for a human-life partner. All these merely points us towards our greater desire for God. All these merely points us towards our true vocation and destination, which is to walk towards God and to be with Him at the end of times. The desire is for the one who created us, to whom our lives (body, mind and spirit) will forever be intrinsically and extrinsically intertwined. That the void within us, is a reminder that we were created for SO MUCH MORE. That we were created for God.

The more we hide ourselves from God, or the more we deny our relations with God, the further away from the answer we seem to go.

I find it fascinating that it is easier for us to think or believe that our lives are intertwined with another human person, worse still with lifeless elements such as accomplishments, wealth, status etc and yet so difficult to believe that our lives are intertwined with the Divine Being that breathed life into our very souls, our Creator. I find it weird that according to our so-called logical mind, The Being that created us, giving us a part of Him, cannot be the one to fill that void in us, but another human person, or other elements can. Beats me. Really.

Food for thought (From the commentary from the Christian Community Bible)

The child becomes an adult when he gives up his unlimited wishes and accepts the limitations of reality. God sends us back to childhood when he stirs up within us infinite desires. “Let it be done to you as you have asked”, that is what you were able to desire and hope for and believe.

Desire is the way God prepares us for the great things he wants to give. It is our first consciousness of his work within us. Desires that are like the seeds of the parable. Many are sown that soon vanish, or we ourselves cut off their wings: “This is not for me. It is enough and safer to imitate the common persons.” Yes, it is safer to live with the limited desires, because desire can develop into thirst.

Many experience thirst for God but few are those who can bear it. We call it boredom, incapacity to share social life, and the remedy that people of goodwill usually offer to us is to plunge again into activity and or in other words, to love the world.

Better keep your thirst and let it grow and reject any satisfaction that is any less than the infinite of God. The time is coming when it will be said: “Let him approach”.

There were many times that even in the midst of busy and chaotic errands, I could still be filled with boredom.

Today, I come to see that boredom, my dear friends, indicates the heart’s yearning and the mind’s understanding that we were created for so much more than this. We were created for God. We were created to be in perfect union with God. It is for this moment that the heart yearns for.

The succeeding question would then be, “Now, that I’ve acknowledged God as the deepest desire of my soul, as the one that the void in my heart yearns to filled by, what do I do next?”

The answer to that question for me,

I follow him. I leave everything (my fears, my pains, my insecurities, my worries, my doubt etc. whatever that stands between God and myself) behind and follow him.

101th

2010-11-02T11:09:00.002+08:00

Din even realise that the previous post was my 100th post..

and it was a sad one...

aih...

Here's to post the 102th post... coming up... hopefully it will be a better one...

need

2010-11-01T10:22:00.003+08:00

I can’t do this anymore. Optimism is not something I try to do. It’s something that just comes. The more I discover Christ and all that He offers, optimism is just the natural reaction.

But…

Lord, though my optimism remains intact, my heart grieves, in unbearable magnitudes.

I cannot bring myself to grasp the cruelty that lingers on earth. The rapes, what more child rapes. The selfishness and the reluctance to adopt children, especially those that were born as a result of rape. I try so hard to hold my tongue back, to stop myself from unleashing the frustration that’s building up. I do not understand how one can profess love for God (regardless of the religion one is in) and yet find logic to deny a child the right to a good life, with parents because the child was a product of rape.

Isn’t a child, a child and a gift regardless of the consequences through which she came into the world? Does she not deserve the same amount of love? How does one deny the child life and justify it? Doesn’t one see the selfishness that decision is rooted in?

Lord, bring me out of this grief for I am drowning. I cannot bring myself to listen to all this and accept that there isn’t anything I can do to change that decision. Lord, You gave me Love in overflowing magnitudes but Lord, I need to give it away. Give me an opportunity to Love, O Lord, in ways befitting what You have given me. Or else, I may suffocate and drown and perhaps even die. Even if the body remains intact, the spirit may die and I will be lifeless being, walking around aimlessly.

I need to love. Please provide me an opportunity to do so. Amen.

There's only one thing to lose when we step out in faith....

2010-10-18T08:20:00.005+08:00

I was standing at the edge, 22 meters above sea level. I held on to support. He said, ‘Please let go of the support.’ My heart cringed. I let go of the support and clasped my hands together. It may have seemed that I was praying. Perhaps, without I even realising it, I WAS praying. He said, ‘Stretch out your arms’. I did exactly as I was told. Then, he said, ‘Jump.’ I paused. My brain could no longer rationalise that instructions. ‘Jump?’ I thought to myself. My feet was tied. I couldn’t even move them. He counts, ‘1, 2, 3, Jump!’. I look at him, unsure of what I should do. I know it was my choice. I know I got myself here. ‘What have I done?’ I thought to myself. How am I going to get through this. My heart palpitated.

He said again, ‘1,2,3, Jump!’ I looked at him and was almost pleading, ‘I don’t know how to jump. How do I jump? Can you just push me?’ He looked at me and said, ‘I can’t push you. It’s your choice to jump.’ ‘Okay, I don’t know how to jump, but I’m going to do what I can.’ It may have seemed that I was trying to climb down the edge. And then, I fell. I screamed my lungs out. I was falling down. I could see the world, everything was upside down. My screaming ceased and then, I was just enjoying the fall. I hit the water and then I got pulled back up. And then I fell again. Got pulled back up again. This repeated a few times before it stopped. Then I was just hanging there, upside down, with only a string holding my leg. A man, came to me in a boat, smiled at me, and asked, ‘Are you ok?’

I felt this great deep sense of joy and peace in my heart. I was hanging upside down and smiling my heart out. I couldn’t speak but I was overwhelmed with love and joy. I just smiled, all the way through after that. That was my bungee jumping experience. My first ever bungee jumping. I’ve always wanted to bungee jump but I never thought Malaysia will ever have it. When Sunway Lagoon had it, I knew I had to do it.

It was more than simply adrenaline rush. It was about the freedom that comes when we break free from of all the insecurities and just trust. As I was standing at the edge, I did consider backing out, justifying my decision to be logical and rational. As I was falling, I did consider the safety gear snapping, and me heading towards death. As I was hanging upside down for the man to come and get me, I did wonder if the rope will snap and I will fall and drown to death. I did consider all these possibilities. I thought of all the things that can go awfully wrong but at the end of the day, I just left it to God. I just said, ‘Lord, I trust you. Let’s just rock this.’ And the outcome: perfection and a breath of fresh air. It was liberating, joyful, and centred. I can’t quite put them in words that would do it justice.

The experience reminded me of what Brian Butler shared about the difference in his two children. There was the elder daughter who trusted the father, confident that the father will catch her when he throws her up. She enjoyed herself. As the father threw her up into the sky, she would attempt different poses, stretching out. She was not afraid to take risks and push boundaries, broke free from inhibitions and discovered new talents and opportunities. Then, there was the younger son, who feared that the father will drop him as he throws him up. He experienced the other end of the bargain. He clenched himself and pulled himself together as a 'safety precaution'. As a result, he was unable to try anything new, was fearful and did not enjoy the throw. Neither has he yet to explore the many possibilities stored in himself.

Simply put, the fruit of trust in God, especially in situations in which a clear positive outcome cannot be seen, in situations where the risk seems too big, in situations where things may no longer be in our control, would be ultimate liberation, joy, freedom and growth in faith in God as we come to discover that there is no way on heaven or earth that He will not catch you. All we need to do is invite Him into our lives.

And the fruit of distrust in God, is a lethargic life lived with insecurities and fear, a life of routine in which we exert our full control over all parameters accessible to us, failing to grow in faith as we do not give ourselves a chance to experience God’s power and grace, a life in which we fail to discover the many hidden potential and possibilities in our lives, which God is offering us.

Thank You God for being active and present in my life. Thank You for experiences that show me time and again that You are real and involved and the most Beautiful thing that has happened in my life.

Food for thought:

2 Cor 12:9: My grace is enough for you. For my power is made perfect in your weakness.
Freedom comes not with the ability to control the parameters present in our lives, but in the ability to let go of the grasp and let God lead.

There's only one thing to lose when we step out in faith... our insecurities...

Created for Love, from Love.

2010-10-05T09:59:00.005+08:00

There is this deep desire within the heart, for the spiritual, for that one thing that we instinctively know will complete us. There is this void in our hearts that we try very hard to fill. Many of us may (initially) recognise that void to be a space to be filled by a life partner. Some of us may recognise that space to be filled by success and accomplishment in terms of career. Material goods, beauty, relationships, appreciation and acceptance by peers, acknowledgement may all be some of the subjects which we believe may fill up that void in the heart.

And so we try very hard to pursue these subjects, believing that they will fill up the void. When it doesn’t, then we conclude that, perhaps we picked the wrong subject, and we move on to the next one, convinced that this time, this subject will give us the fulfilment we desire or are looking for.

I find it interesting that it is easier to believe that our lives may be intertwined with a another human person, who will supposedly make us whole, complete us, be the other half, that he/she may have been predestined for us, but yet so much harder to believe that the God who created us in His image and likeness, the God who breathed life into us would have an intricate relationship with us at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level.

For those of us who have read the Harry Potter series, we may remember that Voldemort split his life into different Horcruxes and to these Horcruxes he was intrinsically and extrinsically related. That when one of his horcruxes dies, a part of his soul dies too.

Imagine then, how our relationship with God, the Creator would be. Even without confining God to a physical entity, the simple fact that our lives come from God, would indicate a great intrinsic and extrinsic relationship with Him, a relationship, which human wisdom or understanding cannot fully explain. To confine or limit the understanding of The Truth to human mind, would then be foolishness and ignorance.

As my life comes from my Creator, the creation of my being comes from Him, then how much more will my spirit be intrinsically and extrinsically related to Him? It seems almost impossible for me not to acknowledge that the void within me, is then, the longing and desire for the other half, the one to whom my life is intertwined with from the beginning, My God and Creator.

Recently, my mind was opened to a beautiful Truth through TOB. That my desire to love a man, or even just a person in general, is actually God calling me to love Him. Let me try to explain.

God loves us. However, as humans, we find that very hard to grasp simply because God’s love is not a visible element. And so, God creates man for woman, and woman for man, so that the invisible form of His love can be made visible.

And so, God in His loving kindness came to see our limitations, and in return, made it possible for us to see His love through another.

So, woman sees man, is attracted to man. But what actually attracts woman to man, is the god-likeness and the presence of God shining through man, calling woman to man. And this applies vice versa.

God is the divine attraction behind every human person. It is His presence in that person that invites us to him (or Him). Attraction is the commitment to think of a person as something good. And so, the attraction towards the individual is towards the good we see in him/her. Since God is the source of all good, then we are attracted to God through that person, and not to the person alone. God’s light, purity, and love shines through the person inviting me to love God through him (the person). I don’t see God, neither do I see the physical action of His love, but the presence of another human, the opportunity to love him/her makes the invisible love of God visible to my limited vision.

It overwhelms me that God makes such channels possible so, that I may better see, grasp and in return accept His love for me. And in return I love Him through the people around me. When I just dwell on that Truth, I am filled with love and awe for the One who made me. And I am determined to love Him, to the best of my abilities.

Sometimes, we think so hard about God's purpose in our lives. Sometimes, it is that simple. To love and to receive Love. To love God through those around me, and in return allow God to love me, through those around me, and through His direct presence.

Perhaps, when we truly grasp this, then we will treat those around us, with the kind of Love and Respect, we would actually treat God with. Perhaps when we truly grasp this, then we will be reminded of our true purpose and destination, that our peace, belonging, completion lies in God, and not in mere human. Perhaps, when we truly grasp this, we will understand that although God calls us to love Man, above that, He calls us to love Him through that Man, another creation, the another part of the Body of Christ.

Make a Way, Natalie Grant

2010-09-15T10:35:00.002+08:00

An inspiring video that continues to give me goosebumps even as I listen to it time and again...

Brethrens. recognise your Dignity.

2010-09-14T10:51:00.006+08:00

If I had to describe my experience in Singapore, undergoing TOB formation ("what TOB?" you may ask. Read on and you’ll see what it is about) for leaders in one word, then I would say ‘Beautiful’. Even then, I am utterly aware and convinced that such a word fails miserably to describe the journey of not just loving God but to also know Him and His plans in a greater depth and wider perspective.

So here’s an article inspired by one of the learning from TOB.

I read the papers these days and the concurring theme has been the smearing of human dignity (Uh? Some may ask. Follow on and you’ll see what I’m talking about). Abortion, murder, rape, violence! Just the mention of these words brings back to my mind the many news and stories in which humans have suffered incredibly due to the action of another human.

What can drive someone to act in such cruelty, hatred and disrespect to another human?
I asked myself this question so very often, and I was disheartened and perplexed because I couldn’t find the answer. My mind was unable to grasp a reason rational enough to explain how one human can chop up the body of another human and pack him up, or how another human can slit the throat of a 13-year-old and leave him to bleed to death in his bed, how can one leave the body of a precious innocent child dead and in the trash. All these baffled me until my eyes were opened to see that perhaps these incidents are rooted in the fact that we are failing or sometimes, forgetting to recognise the dignity of our fellow human brother/sister.

If you take some quiet time to really think about it, you might come to realise that deep within our core, there is this knowledge that recognises the dignity within ourselves and those around us. If we contemplate on it, there is this understanding within ourselves that we are a special and dignified creation of God, a knowing that was not taught or instilled by anyone but one that was already engraved in our souls as we entered the world. The spirit is aware of so many more things than the mind is, and without getting in touch with that spirit, we may miss many of the mysteries of our origin, our presence and our intended future.

Recognising the dignity within ourselves and those around us. How would that look like?

How that would look like is, me looking at myself and others, seeing us in the totality we were created in. I see the spirit that resides within others, the same spirit that also resides within me, making us brethrens despite of our cultural differences. That we are connected through our origins.

Recognising the dignity of the person would mean that I see them in the same Love God created them in, the effort He put in defining every being of their person and I recognise the gift of God’s love that they are offering me through the existence of their human person. To recognise the dignity of the human person would mean that I recognise the God in them and His love that is reflected through them.

It also means that I do not view them in parts (as pornography does). I am not to divorce the spirit from its body and view the human person as just a body. I am not to divorce the mind from its body and view the person as only a mind or a body. I am able to recognise the dignity and beauty of a human person only when I view them in totality of the three elements and maybe even more. I am not to look at a man or a woman as simply being assets. I am not to view a man or woman only by his body parts. The saddest would be when I fail to view my own self in the dignity I was created in, when I start to view my own self in parts or as assets. Similarly, the greatest tragedy for me would be when those around me, fail to recognise the dignity within their own self. This can be reflected from what we think of ourselves, how we dress, how we treat our body etc.

Perhaps, some of us may defend ourselves and say, ‘Hey, I’m just appreciating physical beauty’.
Beauty is viewed in the totality of the person. We recognise physical beauty by also recognising the inner beauty that shines within it.

‘Hey, just because I view pornography or divorce the spirit, mind and body of the person from each other, doesn’t mean I’ll become a rapist or a murderer’.
I start small, it’ll end big. A habit starts with one small action, then it increases in frequency, then it becomes an addiction, perhaps even part of the character. Furthermore, the society experience the additive effect of all our characters and choices put together. I contribute 20 marks of sin, another may contribute 60 marks of sin, another perhaps 5 marks of sin, another 100 marks of sin. At the end of the day, there is still 185 marks worth of sin lingering in the world, affecting it as a whole. Everything I do contribute not only to how it affects me but also to how it affects everyone else on earth. Every single human person on earth is connected to the other as we belong to One body of God, created in His image and likeness. How then, can my actions be divorced from affecting the others who belong to the Body?

‘Hey, I’m far better than many other people. I don’t do the extreme things. I may judge someone solely based on their body, but I’m not sleeping around, or disrespecting persons in my speech or my actions’.
What makes me good is not that I am better than another but that I am good. It is an objective matter, not subjective or relative. Besides, disrespecting someone is not just confined to our speech or actions, it also extends to our thoughts. I can disrespect someone by the kind of thoughts and images I have of them. When I lust after someone, even for a split second, viewing them as an object to satisfy my desires, I disrespect the person and the dignity within them.

‘This is a nonsensical, idealistic and condemning message or belief.’

It is nonsensical? No, it’s not. It makes perfect sense. Think about it. Honestly.

Idealistic? Yes, it is. Realistically idealistic. Possible in every sense of its word. I am not saying it is easy. No one said it is going to be easy. The best things in life come with a lot of hardwork, except perhaps the Love of God for us.

Condemning? No. This is where most of us can be wrong. Such a message and calling is not here to condemn us and subject us to hell. It is a message of hope, reminding us of who we really are and how we are called to recognise and practise that here on earth. It is a message of Love from the Creator, who recognises the diamond we are, albeit being covered by mud and dirt, to allow Him to clean and shape us into that diamond.

So, dear fellow human brethrens, Hear the calling. Recognise your Dignity. And the Dignity of those around you.

Lord, thank you for the opportunity to have a glimpse of Your greater calling for us, humans. :)

*Footnote: TOB refers to the Theology of the Body, writings of Pope John Paul II, that talks about the mysteries of God’s plan that can be revealed through the human body.

terima kasih

2010-08-18T16:21:00.002+08:00

Today a good friend of mine brought tears to my eyes (in a good way).

I’ve known him for about 4 years now and I must say he may not have been the closest of my friend, whom I shared a lot with, but he was one of those friends I loved and respected just because.

Today, he went out of his way to come to my rescue. He really didn’t have to but he did. He didn’t even think twice about it. I don’t know what I do to deserve such good friends but I am so grateful that I have an opportunity of their friendship in my life.

He’s a very simple guy, but he’s got a heart of an angel. One of the most selfless people I have met, really. I think in today's competitive world of individualistic nature, finding good people seems a feat but here is one that is unreasonably selfless.

Let me tell you that this friend of mine is a Malay guy and I am so blessed to have him as a friend. Thank you for making so much of a difference and for being my friend, Raja Zyroul Hisyam.

Unveiled

2010-08-14T14:03:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I find myself doing things I don't want to do, saying things I don't normally say.

Sometimes, I find myself being someone else than who I really want to be deep inside.

Very often I fear to do or say the things I really want to because I fear that I may be sidelined as being (too) different. As hard as it is for me to admit, I’ve so often wished to be just like everybody else. I wanted to be normal, ordinary, typical. I feared that if I allowed myself to explore the things that interest me, that if I went after my heart’s desire, I may become too different from the rest around me, and hence I would lose the sense of belonging I have, the friends who can relate to me. That when those close to me can no longer relate to me, I would no longer have the kind of friendship I have with them. So, I hold myself back from really growing.

Although I try very hard at the conscious level to not make decisions just to please others, win the favour of others or to impress others, I must say subconsciously my fear of image (what would others think) manifests itself in many forms. I have been made aware of the many small decisions I make because of my fear of image that I felt disheartened, troubled and disturbed by the directions in which I am heading.

So, I sat down and shared my struggled with one of the priest I know and he told something that was rather obvious and yet something I seem to have missed.

He said my actions reflected more of my low self esteem than it does of my fear of being different or disliked. He felt that my low sense of worth may have been driving me to do things to obtain the favour of others. That I view myself as someone unworthy of love, unworthy of many good things and so, I respond by taking actions in order to not lose the little favour that I have from those I love.

I sought and worked towards holiness and a closer relationship with God because I believed that maybe then I would be worthy. I viewed myself to be empty and worthless unless Christ is present within me and so I work hard to get there. What I completely overlooked is that my worthiness does not come from my actions nor my relationship with God. That my worthiness for the good things in life came from a simple fact that God created me, and not only that, He created me in His image and that He loves me. What else do I need to remind myself of the worthiness I have been created with? I am made worthy by His love and grace and not by my actions or disposition.

My biggest struggle is in receiving and it is not because I am independent or feel strong on my own. It is because I feel unworthy to receive, especially from God that I am selective about what I receive. I hold myself back from receiving love, because I do not feel worthy of it, because I feel there is something inherently wrong and bad about me, that I do not feel I am worthy of your time or investment.

So, today I learned that the one thing I need to do more in my life is not really to give love, but to learn to receive it first by seeing that I am worthy of love and the good things in life because I am a creation of God and that’s all it takes.

Dear Lord, teach this heart to receive, and to view myself in the light with which You view me.

my first video...

2010-08-02T10:42:00.003+08:00

I have always loved dances... Have always felt that dancing is a beautiful form of self expression...

The following video is from a children's dance competition in India... I love the interpretation of the song by the choreographer and the beautiful performance by the child...

Lyrics and translation

jaane tu mera kya hai…
(I don’t know how much you mean to me…)
jaane tu mera kya tha…
(I don’t know how much you meant so far…)
tu hi mera har pal…
(you were in my each moment…)
tu hi har lamha tha…
(you were in my each memory…)

jaane kaisi kashish hai…
(I don’t know what kinda wish is this…)
jaane kaisi khalish hai…
(I don’t know what irks me these days…)
kyun ye saansein thami hain…
(why these breaths have ceased nowadays…)
aankhon mein kyun nami hai…
(and why these eyes remain moist …)

hai ye dosti humko yaheen tha…
(I was sure that this was friendship…)
dosti aur kuch bhi nahi tha…
(friendship, and nothing more than that…)
hai ye kaisa dard nayaa sa…
(what kind of new pain is this now?…)
kyun dil lagta toota toota,
(why the heart seems so shattered these days…)

jaana, dil jaana, kaise maine na jaana…
(love, my love, I can’t know why I never knew…)
ke pyaar yahi hai…
(that this was love indeed…)
ye jaane tu, ya jaane na…
(whether you knew it or not…)

jaana, dil jaana, kaise tune na jaana…
(love, my love, hoe come you never knew it…)
ye pyaar hi hai…
(that this indeed was love…)
haan jaane tu, ya jaane .. na…
(whether you knew it or didn’t…)

jaane tu mera kya hai…
jaane tu mera kya tha…
tu hi mera har pal…
tu hi har lamha tha…

ho….
hoti thi tujhse subha har din ki…
(each day’s morning used to start with you…)
teri dopahar se shaam ki dhun thi…
(you were the tunes from the noons to the evenings…)
hoti thi raatein teri baahon mein khoye…
(and the nights were spent lying in your arms…)
tere khayaalon mein hi jaage aur soye…
(you were in my thoughts, whether in slee or while awake…)

tu jo nahi to kya, rahaa…
(now that you aren’t there, nothing remains…)

umm mm… hmm mm…

jaane tu mera kya hai…
jaane tu mera kya tha…
tu hi mera har pal…
tu hi har lamha tha…

jaane kaisi kashish hai…
jaane kaisi khalish hai…
kyun ye saansein thami hain…
aankhon mein kyun nami hai…

jaana, dil jaana, kaise maine na jaana…
ke pyaar yahi hai…
ye jaane tu, ya jaane na…

jaana, dil jaana, kaise tune na jaana…
ye pyaar hi hai…
haan jaane tu, ya jaane .. na…
haan jaane tu, ya jaane .. na

2010-07-25T22:54:00.001+08:00

(Get me out of here)

With all the blessings and lessons God has given me, i expect more out of me.

But i find myself falling short at every instance.

And everytime I fall, He picks me back up, rejuvenates me, inspires only to find me falling back again the very next instance.

It’s almost like all His efforts on me goes to waste.

Honest & Fun

2010-05-31T17:05:00.000+08:00

Here's a conversation that took place recently with somebody I know. Basically, she wanted my comments on something she did.

F: So, what do you think? How did I do?

(I paused a second, and was about to tell she did good, fine, then it hit me)

Me: Hmmm... Wait, I can be honest with you.

I think you could have ....................................

My point: I don't think many people can accept criticisms, even if i meant it constructively. So, i tend to forget who can. :P

P.s It was recently revealed to me that I have problem trusting people, hence I don't share much. I am working on it and have even started sharing.. bit by bit... :)

Thank you, God for restoring happiness in my life. I am indeed very happy. and thank you for ****. It was definitely the most fun experience of liking someone since it's been a real long while since i found anybody attractive. Short-lived but fun. :)

Terima KASIH!!!

Love

2010-04-23T01:24:00.000+08:00

I love You, Oh My God,
and my only desire is to love You
until the last breathe of my life.

I love You, Oh my infinitely lovable God,
And I would rather die loving You
than live without loving You.

I love You, Lord
and the only grace I ask is
to love You eternally.

My God, if my tongue cannot say in every moment
that I love You,
I want my heart to repeat it to You
as often as I draw breathe.

-Prayer of St. John Vianney-

love

2010-04-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

I love you...
No matter what...
I love you...
And you are the most beautiful person in the world
I love you...
Believe it...
I love you...
for who you are
and not what you do...
I love you...
for every moment you breathe...
I love you not for your past...
I love you not for your present
nor for your future...
I love you for your existence...
You...
I love you
Smply because...
I have no reason...
I just love you...

This poem was written by a good friend, Jeremy. And I loved it because it captured how I felt almost too accurately.

and to you,
i just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to have loved someone like you.
Some things are beyond comprehension but I'm grateful for the opportunity.

2010-04-07T10:18:00.000+08:00

I do not want you to see me like this....

But....

this is really where I am...

Women and sexism

2010-03-25T17:59:00.000+08:00

I have been feeling very uninspired lately, hence the lack of posts. Sometimes, amidst all the emptiness, I lose sight of the blessings He offers me.

Today I read about women and sexism
(You can read it too if you want http://www.newsweek.com/id/235220)
and I had goosebumps reading what women went through to claim equality that they naturally deserved. It’s been a while since something I read hits straight at me, bringing me close to tears and filling me with an unimaginable amount of an overwhelming feeling.

I am a feminist. Different people tend to have different ideas and perception of feminism. Well, those who studied sociology would know these better. Just so that you have an idea, I am a feminist, who believe that men and women are equal. I do not believe we are the same but that we are different but equal. I do not believe that women can do everything men can do, in the same way men cannot do everything women can. I do not believe that, that difference means men are of a higher strata in the society than women. I do not agree with men who think that once married, women should become full time homemakers. I absolutely get frustrated with men who instead of empowering women to be independent, contribute to them being incapable of exploring their best potential.

My mother was a homemaker all her life, until she was 44 years old (can you believe that?). My father never quite agreed with women working if the man in the house is already working. When I was 15, my father underwent a major heart surgery, after which he was no longer able to perform at his workplace as he did before. He had to quit his job. Of course, by God’s grace, he received monthly compensation of SOCSO because of his condition. It was then, that my mother had to take up a job, to bring income to the family, so that we could make ends meet.

My father didn’t even feel a need for my mother to be able to drive a car or atleast ride a motorcycle until she had to start working. That was how dependent my mother was on my father. She could never go to a family gathering or any public gatherings without my father. It was like she did not have an identity of her own at all. I hated that. I hated seeing my mother feel so lost at public gatherings without my father. I could see how much her life has been affected because she has been living under the identity of my father.

It could be that these were some of the reasons why I am major advocate of equality of gender. I wanted women to be empowered, and have their own identity as well. I never wanted any women to be in a position where they’re unable to live life to the fullest because their potential has been limited by husbands who restrict women to a little box of roles.

That were things I’ve been pretty aware of since I was 15.

It was only now that I realised that who I am today, the gifts I have are Christ’s way of advocating for the same cause.

I am not your average female. You can ask any of the people who know me and they would tell you. And I say this not to boast for everything I have has been given to me by the grace of God. Hence, I possess nothing that I have. How can I claim ownership for something that was never my own?

I am a woman, who was brought up in a school where I was given plenty of leadership opportunities. When I was in the university, I was the first Indian female Timbalan Ketua Pembantu Mahasiswa of 6^th college. I was the first President of the Biomedical Science Society of UM, and I am a female. I always stood equally tall as other men leaders, if not better. Men vote for me to be in leadership positions. Regardless of where I worked, I am respected to be an equal among the men.

No, I am not a tomboy, a woman with masculine traits. I am a woman, in all its essential meaning. I love children, I love dressing up, I love white dresses, I love wearing earrings, I love beautiful shoes, I love reading love stories, I love watching romantic comedies, I am sensitive to myself and to those around me, I am nurturing and caring, I look forward to getting married with a man I love, I dream of a perfect love story for myself, I get attracted to men. In total, I am a very feminine woman, who also happens to be very successful.

In all this that I am, I realised what God did with me from the beginning. He loved me to be the feminist I am. He made me that way for reasons I cannot understand. Perhaps, He wants others to learn to see women truly as an equal, not only superficially. My gifts are not my own. My Father gave them to me. That much He loved me that He made me a visible equal to men, that they may see and learn too. He loved me as an equal, though being God. I am humbled at how I learn new things everyday on how much He loves me.

If you are a man, and you are reading this, and you feel angered or frustrated at what I am saying, then maybe, there is a need for you to examine your conscience. Maybe, knowingly or unknowingly, you did not believe in gender equality. Maybe you practise selective gender equality. Maybe, deep down, you still believe that men are superior to women and women need to acknowledge that. Maybe, you have not been empowering women, instead you have been putting them to be inferior. If you find yourself doing anything of that, think again. I am living example, by God’s grace, that men and women are indeed created equally, different but equal, each for their purpose, each given gifts according to His own grace. No one is superior to the other, not by nature, not by role, not by any reason whatsoever.

random

2010-03-12T08:47:00.000+08:00

I truly thank Christ for Facebook Photos. They can be a great reminder of the many blessings I have in my life...

They say that human are one of the most forgetful creature ever... It is so easy for us to forget, especially the many good things we have and had in life, in the face of tribulations...

In times like those, Facebook Photos can be such great reminders about the unimaginable amount of love we are blessed with, atleast for me...

thank you

2010-03-10T22:45:00.000+08:00

Although we're worlds apart in character, I always feel right at home with you...

thank you

yip-pee!!

2010-03-10T11:16:00.000+08:00

no, you're not in a wrong blog...

it is mine!!

just wanted a change!

ta-daaa!

The Waiting

2010-03-09T11:25:00.000+08:00

I've been waiting patiently for 22 years for you...

yet no signs or sights of you...

i dared not substitute you with anyone lesser,

so i waited

and am still waiting...

where are you?

what's taking you so long to find me?

or have you already found me

but cannot find the courage

to come to me?

whatever it is,

i am waiting and will continue to wait....

but don't take too long...

the waiting is killing me already...

Controversy - Sexual Incompatibility

2010-03-08T14:07:00.000+08:00

Interesting, I must say… I never quite dwelled on this till lately. Me, being quite a conservative, I never agreed with pre-marital sex. Obviously that was initially because I am Christian but later on, looking at the contemporary and the same time, the spiritual aspect of it, I was convinced that pre-marital sex was a ‘No-no’. There was a time that I didn’t find anything wrong with pre-marital sex. I wanted to be flexible, adaptive, democratic, to the freedom of choice. Anyhow, our consciences do differ.

But having learnt and understood the gift of sex and what it entails, it was difficult to be okay with pre-marital sex. Sex, as I view it (and maybe other Christians too) is not just something physical or emotional. It is more spiritual than anything else. It truly involves the union of two souls, bodies to become one. Sex, is the gift of God to us, to express love and to enjoy its fruitfulness. It enables for two persons to connect more than just in the mind, or in the heart. It enables two persons to connect at the soul level, spiritually.

It involves the total giving of self. It involves vulnerability, intimacy, sincerity, honesty, beauty, and above all this, Love. I cannot bring myself to agree with pre-marital sex because it is union without commitment and responsibility. A commitment made before God, who gave the gift of sex in the first place. So, sex without marriage (aka commitment before God), is already incomplete.

What more the issue of sexual incompatibility. The issue of sexual incompatibility that is being raised now, is even more disturbing to me because it is suggesting that you may love someone but you may be sexually incompatible with him/her. Hence, the need to test sexual compatibilities first, before marriage. Sex is a gift to couples who love each other and have made commitment to each other before God. But right now, we are trying to separate the two, where instead of sex being of a gift of love, it is becoming a factor for love. It is becoming more of ‘if we’re sexually compatible, then I can love you’ than ‘because I love you and am committed to you, I want to share the gift of sex with you.’

What is even worse is when one wants to test sexual compatibilities first before falling in love. It is a complete reversal of the fundamentality of love. Love resulting in the gift of sex has been topsy-turvied. Sex first, then we’ll decide on the love part of it. In my view, it is desecration of love.

It has come to a point where the so-called sexual compatibilities can be tested with mere strangers and there isn’t a need for love to be present in the relationship. How can I say that this ok? One compromise on love, and look at where we are. If we love someone, then we love him/her as who he is, all in all. If after marriage, the couple feels sexually incompatible, then work past it. Discuss it. Talk about it. Improvise. If there are certain sexual acts or postures our partner is dead uncomfortable with, then, is it not only right to find ways where both are happy with?

I don’t know if you believe in it, but I do. That love is unconditional, and that it puts what’s good for the other above self (and No, abuse is NOT included). Sex is the gift of love and not the other way round. There are certain things I cannot compromise, and this is definitely one of it.

sex/love/love/sex

2010-03-01T16:46:00.000+08:00

sexual in/compatibility

latest discussion topic with a friend that left me disturbed...

i don't even know where to begin on this one...

i wish i had the opinions of more people for this one....

care to comment? please? :)

shoes...

2010-02-09T17:16:00.000+08:00

Something light-hearted....

A close friend recently revealed to me a new terminology used by her group of friends. She introduced to me the use of the word ‘shoes’ which actually refers to ‘boyfriend’. Ah.. Ah… New to you? Well, it definitely was to me.

So, amongst her group of friends, if someone starts dating someone new, they often discussed it using this terminology. A typical conversation might sound something like this, “Hey, have you heard? So-and-so has new shoes.” Which actually goes to mean, “Hey, have you heard? So-and-so has a new boyfriend”

I, honestly found it to be rather peculiar… New shoes means new boyfriend? It was a little hard for me to get used to that term, especially since I’m a big fans of shoes (in the literal term). It is my weakness.

So, let’s see how you would want to interpret this. You can read between the lines or you can take them as they are. It was just too tempting not to write about.

So, here goes.

I am a big fan of shoes. I love shoes. When I am at the mall, I am constantly looking at shoes, hoping to find a pair that would once again sweep me off my feet and give me the fantasy of beauty, even if it was temporary.

I am such a big fan of shoes, that when I started working, I started getting a new pair of shoes every month. So, I had a June pair, a July pair, an August pair and so on. I made sure I got a new pair every month, just because I could.

To come to think of it, all my shoes were pretty different. There were some funky ones, some cool ones, some hot ones, and some ‘fierce’ ones, and yes, some sexy ones too. Those were the good pairs I bought I guess. What makes a good pair of shoes? They make us feel good, we feel comfortable in them, we can wear them for long hours and they still wouldn’t hurt us and we LOOK really good in them.

But there were also pairs that we may completely regret buying. You know what they say? You’ll never know how the shoe really fits until you’ve worn it for quite a while. There were shoes that looked pretty good at first glance but when we start wearing them, they caused us much pain, in the different parts of our feet. After which, we gather the courage to not wear them, regardless of how beautiful they might look. But we would still keep them in the closet. Probably secretly hoping (or being in denial) they might not hurt us anymore someday and we may be able to wear them then. It takes even more courage to finally come to the realization that we need to get rid of that pair because we’ll never use them as they hurt us.

Even if we had 4 pair of shoes that were comfortable and that looked good, we would still have that one pair, we preferred above the rest. One that we would chose to wear a lot more than the rest. One that fits the whole package. One that meets more than one of our needs. One that is not just comfortable, it also looks good on us and makes us feel confident and beautiful. The truth is, it is for precisely this kind of shoes that we go on our 4 hour hunt in the malls. That doesn’t mean, we don’t like our other shoes. We do like them and we would still have them because we’d like to use them when the need arises or when the occasion permits.

At the end of the day, the shoe that stays with us is the one that can last all our walking around, our sweat, our imperfect feet shape. And we can’t live without our shoes. Especially the good ones.

p.s I think shoes are more like guy friends than boyfriends (as in guys who are our friends, I suppose)

Thank you for reading.

Now that was fun. Let’s try something else… next time…

The Lover

2010-02-04T13:30:00.000+08:00

It has been quite a while since I last posted. Not that nothing has been happening in my life. I had so much happening in my life but couldn’t find the words nor the courage to put it down in words, what more to post it here in my blog. My life has been transforming beautifully, profoundly but the change has also been spiritual that I didn’t know if people were ready to read about it.

My friends know me as the eccentric person, who has a lot of energy, who gets involved in many projects, charitable and academic-based, someone who has very different set of opinions, and sometimes those opinions and principles are not easy to follow-by. My close friends know me as the girl with many thoughts, she is quirky, witty, and a little crazy but at the same time, they know me as a girl whose heart is not as sturdy as it looks, who can get hurt, and has cried. They know me as a strong person who deserves the best in life (I did not come up with this, yar. These are what others tell me, k? :P). There are also close friends who are very aware of my weaknesses such as my pride and thankfully, despite that they still are friends with me. These are all my external character.

One person knows my internal character. Internally, I am a person who yearns, yearns for an opportunity to love and to be loved in return. Internally, I am a broken person, whose confidence hangs by a thread. Internally, I do not believe that I am worthy of love and I back it up with all the evidences of rejections that I have. Internally, I do not let people into my true feelings because I was always afraid if they knew me inside out, that they wouldn’t like me anymore, that I would lose the friends I have and this image that others have of me. I was afraid that if people knew me completely then I would be even lonelier than I am now. Internally, I have been plagued by loneliness, the moment I stepped into university. Do not get me wrong. I am not a depressed child. I have had great moments of happiness, and joy, little moments that felt like I was right where I belong. These were the smaller stories that helped me get through 3 years in uni. However, those smaller stories were also the ones that kept me away from my bigger story of loneliness and unworthiness that I very often felt. Internally, I was so incomplete and I kept looking for friends, new relationships with the people around me, new families, new hobbies, new projects, new ministries that I could serve through to fill up that emptiness. The one and only person who knew my internal character, was my Father, in Heaven.

People have told me before that the only person who can fill up that emptiness was my Creator. I understood it and I accepted it but I didn’t believe in it. My justification: I’ve had, what I would call a proper relationship with God, since I was 14 years old. I was involved in youth ministry. I could lead beautiful praise and worships. I obeyed His commandments. I loved those around me as He asked me to. In university, I was involved with underprivileged children. I inspired and helped those around me. I’ve almost always put the need of others above mine. I worked on my prayer life and made sure I spent time reading the Bible daily. I did everything I could to do His will and whatever I felt He was asking me to. He has blessed me AMPLY, truly ABUNDANTLY and yet I felt empty. Even after I have done everything I could to be a good Christian and His follower, I still felt empty inside. Something was still missing.

If God was the only one who could fill up the void in me, how was it that I still felt so empty despite having so much of Him in my life? I mean, almost every aspect of my life was done for Him, according to His will and yet I was empty.

And so I looked for answers to help me fill up that void. I kept getting involved in more and more things. I kept giving more because I thought that maybe then I would be worthy to receive that something that would eventually fill-up that void in me. I felt that maybe God is holding back that ‘something’ because something in me was not right yet and He needs to correct it before I was given that ‘something’.

It took me a long journey and a lot of reading, reflecting and listening to His voice, His messages that I finally came to believe what ‘only He could fill up the emptiness in me’ meant. I have learnt, have come to understand and truly believe that yearning for something is the yearning for a love so grand and beautiful that every part of me is fulfilled with love that brings ecstasy to my soul. I yearn for a union that is so pure and completing, that when it happens I know this is what I was created for. I yearned for love and a love story that was an epitome of true love that was filled with genuineness and simplicity and honesty. I yearned for a love that was not utilitarianism in nature but that was truly selfless. Such grand love, I realized only much later, is definitely possible, but only when the Creation (aka me) meets the Creator, either during His second coming or after my death. This love I yearn for, this emptiness I feel can only be filled by Him because only He is capable of loving me in such a way. This union that is suppose to leave me with ecstasy [Not just those brief moments of orgasm sexual union allows us to experience. Orgasm is just a little glimpse of the greater union, the Grand Romance our soul (aka Beloved) would experience when we meet the Creator (aka Lover). This is what I believe in. It doesn’t have to be what you believe in.] and highness enveloped in love beyond description, beyond this world.

Unfortunately, this union is not possible here on earth for a reason as simple as that my being on earth is still one that is tainted with sin and my life here on earth is still one of the fallen nature. And so I can do all I want to fill my emptiness with false lovers here on earth like my work, my career, my hobbies, my relationships, shopping, food, whatever that may come to my mind as ‘therapy’ but those false lovers can only satiate me temporarily. Then I would be prowling again looking for that something in something else hoping to fill up my void. What I would need to remind myself time and again is that emptiness cannot be filled here, now on earth. Whether I like the answer or not, it cannot be done. I am not being pessismistic. I am being honest. That void is to be filled only by my Grand Divine Lover, and for that day of union I will wait eagerly and I will live this life on earth in the most appreciative way I can. I will fall in love with those around me. I will love a man with everything i've got. I will marry him and have children and try to be the best kind of wife and mother I can be. I will serve my God with all my heart. I will use the gifts, spiritual and human, that He has given me to build the people around me. But I will not, I must never try to replace my yearning for Him for anything less than Him.

That would be adultery. Literally. That part of me is for Him and Him only.

p.s I know this is a very long post. Some may even think that I am gone a little out of mind, a little out of logic. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, this is me and it is real. How do you deny your Lover? I can’t.

So....

2009-12-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

Supercamp was quite an experience. It is like no matter how many times you might do it, there's just something new to learn...

some of the things i learnt that i hope to remember and practise are:

i. It is good to want to give. But we must also learn to receive. It is good to want to give and serve but if we don't expect to get anything out of our actions, then the experience becomes useless. As in expect yourself to learn about yourself. Use every experience to not just give but to receive learning and grow. Let every experience be a challenge to self.

ii. The one thing that stands between the me now and the best me that i can be is my low self esteem. I've come to learn that the one thing that repetitively stops me from doing the things i love to do or feel driven to do is my low self esteem. Hence, i see a great need to work on that self esteem and start believing in myself again to ensure that i can be the best kind of person i'm meant to be, the kind of person my Father has planned for me.

iii. I seem to have a wall up and unfortunately it is a visible wall and this wall prevents others from approaching me fully. My wall and formalities can rob me of opportunities to touch the lives of others and for others to touch my life. Therefore, i need to make an active effort to bring that wall down. :)

iv. Finally, wise words from a priest, which i think will be the advice of the year is "Keep it open, don't restrict your options."

Merry Christmas everyone!! especially those who helped me and still continue to help me become a better person... Thank you!

Life has been exciting because of you!

Learning curves

2009-12-08T09:46:00.000+08:00

Two learning curves of the month

a. The desires of my subconscious mind and my conscious mind must be aligned. If I consciously want something but subconsciously don't agree with it, then there will be a struggle and conflict that will most likely produce results according to what I subconsciously want.

My subconscious mind indicates my innermost desires, fears, insecurities. It shows who i am and what i am made of essentially. The conscious mind might try to avoid the painful truth that the subconscious mind offers but it cannot run too far from it because eventually the subconscious mind will prevail.

b. I might be at peace at the idea of it but not necessarily the action of it.

There may be certain things or issues that we inherently agree or disagree with but due to some circumstances, we might end up compromising our principles or what we want out of life. Although we may be okay with the compromise initially because they are still just in the form of idea, but once they start to transform into actions, then we may no longer be at peace at it and that is when it becomes crystal clear to us, the importance of certain principles and how we cannot sacrifice or compromise them.

At the end of the day, I guess, it is about how aware I am to the changes that happens in myself, my mind, my heart and my soul.

love, joy, peace, Him

2009-12-04T09:02:00.000+08:00

Today is a very happy day....

i truly mean that....

i'll blog more about it soon...

i must make sure i do....

but for now, be rest assured that i am very very happy....

off to singapore this evening (and no. that is not the reason i am so happy! :))

if i got some of you worried, do not be. It is a journey and phase that is necessary in my life.

without the lows, you don't learn as much and you don't appreciate the highs as much. :)

love everyone of you!

save me from myself

2009-12-01T18:45:00.000+08:00

It’s like there’s a huge hole in my heart. It’s like somebody is grilling into it or using a knife to scratch the surface. It’s like my heart is being ripped apart.

I never knew I could feel like this.

When I first read ‘New Moon’, I completely hated it. I couldn't stand the sight of a girl so weak and so pathetic that she isn’t able to move on. I hated her misery. I couldn’t relate to it.

Today, I know exactly what she means. Today, I know exactly how it feels to want to scream out all the pain. I want to scream it all out. They say, if you are angry, you have to let it out. I wonder if you can let your pain out. Is there ways to bring pain out of your soul? Does screaming it out really take away the pain or does it simply give you a temporary illusion that you’ve worked past it? Whatever it is, it’s killing some of my days.

I want to work past this but very often I fail. It is as though I am so perplexed at the reality, that I cannot grasp it.

I do not understand how I could see so much of something when the other saw absolutely nothing. I do not understand how I was deluded enough to think that this was more than friendship when to the other, it was nothing but friendship. There must be something inherently and deeply wrong with me. To see things that do not exist. Am I really that deluded? If I really am, how do I come out of it?

Guess i wasn't looking

2009-11-25T15:44:00.000+08:00

I’ve been recently a little confused.

I think there is a significant number of us who search for the right one in our life. We want to find, identify the right one, or rather the one who is supposed to be destined for us.

I used to believe in the notion of the right one but over the years and experiences, my idea of the right one has evolved.

I think that the story of Adam and Eve possibly has shaped our perception of the right one. That God created a special someone for us and he or she will perfect our lives and fit us like gloves and complement us. There is the notion that when we meet the One, we would know and very often because of this idea of the right one, we continue to look for that someone. We continue to look for that someone who we believe will give us that feeling that everything is so right and fits so perfectly.

I’d like to find out from some married couples whether truly when they decided to marry their spouse, they knew beyond a reasonable doubt that he/she is the One.

Hearing stories about broken marriages and having witnessed a few, my idea of the right one was challenged.

I felt that it must be that quite a number of couples who decided to get married felt that they were marrying their Mr. or Ms. Right. Having had that conviction, why is there so many broken marriages, so many couples filing for divorce and so many breakups?

I mean when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married, didn’t they seem perfect for each other? Wouldn’t they have felt that they were right for each other? Now, that Brad Pitt is with Angelina Jolie, wouldn’t we also claim that they are also right for each other? What about Erra Fazira and Yusry KRU? They seemed perfect for each other and after about 3 years, they were no longer right for each other? All these incidences perplexed me and made me question the idea/l of the right one.

Why is it that at some stage of the married life or in a relationship, the person who was supposedly right for us few years ago, no longer seem right for us now? Why is that after the years of being married together, someone other than our spouse seem to fit the idea of the Right One better resulting in the many extramarital affairs that we hear of now?

Due to these observations, I felt that the Right One is whoever I decide for myself as the right one. I felt that God intervenes to make the relationship meaningful, right and love- and god-filled but I feel that He does not choose our life partners for us. It is possible that this is where it is more the responsibility of our freewill instead.

I felt that God puts people in our life, people whose life we can change and who can change our life in return. I felt that at the end of the day, I pick and decide the right one for me and present it to Him. In turn, He considers the case, decides whether or not my choice is made out of love and then supports me if He agrees and helps me in the relationship with my special one. And it is my duty and responsibility to be accountable for my decision and keep my promise to God that I will love him unconditionally as He has and cherish him in sickness and in health, till death do us apart.

And very often, when our vision is focused on someone or something else that seems so right for us, we might miss out on other beautiful things that are right in front us.

It is not that they were never there. It is that we were not looking.

At the end of the day, It is not fate. It is sight.

faith....

2009-11-19T15:48:00.001+08:00

Blindness need not refer to lack of vision can also refer to the lack of faith....

I'm blinded by the pain of the presence that i am failing to see the promise of the future...

"....Faith is a vantage point because it allows our eyes to peer into a horizon beyond what our eyes can see....

....Faith frees the heart to feel, the mind to think further and the imagination to dream.....

....The horizon of faith is deeper and wider than just being an eternal optimist...."

Simon SJ

and this is what i heard,

if you could only see what He sees. then you will no longer dwell in the pain of the present, but rejoice in the promise of the future....

and so, i am left speechless and resolved...
that the future holds for me things beyond my imagination and vision....

delicate

2009-11-19T15:45:00.000+08:00

There's just something about this song... even the music so delicate...
love it...

Delicate by Damien Rice

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

Original quotes by Ms Felicita Fedelis

2009-11-05T18:18:00.000+08:00

"It is the way my heart is at home with yours..."

"Convince me, even if I am convinced already,

that you are mine and I am yours."

Having said that,

it'll still be a "no"

By the way, I WROTE THAT!!

Woot??

How is that possible?

hahaha

Over and above

2009-09-22T20:54:00.000+08:00

“This is because we, humans are by nature lovers. God created us with love and in love. It is natural that the creature should show the characteristics or features of the Creator. God is love and so are we created loving. Therefore, we should never be surprised that we love. In fact, when Backstreet Boys to Westlife sing of love, they are reminding us who we really are: Lovers.

The challenge we face is how to define love.”

Excerpt from Fr. Simon Yong’s sermon.

How do we define love?

22, single and not have had a single relationship can be quite a pressuring thing to be in today’s world. Everywhere, around me, different ideas of love are being sold. There is the lustful ‘love’ where the idea that if you have great sex with the person, then he is right for you. The “Try first, then decide” concept.

There is the ideal, fairy tale love where handsome prince meets beautiful princess and all is perfect. There is the Jerry Macquire “You complete me...”. There is Gossip Girls “I hate you but I love you” Chuck Blair drama. There is the “Love at first sight” concept. The “Love for benefits” concept. And the “Love for anyone” concept.

I must say that despite being a Christian, my initial idea of love were very much formed by the idea of love sold my magazines, brands, movies. Probably, like many other teenagers or young adults out there, I had my dreams and yearning to be loved by the other who supposedly would complete me, understand me and accept me for who I am, love me more than I love myself and as much as I would love him, trusts me and does not judge me.

It took me many heartbreaks and rejections, despite loving as He asked me to, to come to the realisation that no Man can complete me. Only He can. All these things that I look for in a Man can only be found in Christ.
I am not saying that men are no good or that I have given up on them. I’m saying that men are human and so the one who is destined for me can only offer me very human imperfect love and it is God’s calling for me to love him despite the imperfections as He as loved me despite my imperfections.

I am just saying that I have come to admit that no one can make me whole and complete me and be my other half but Christ. I am just saying that I have stopped looking in man what only God can offer.

Today, I’m no longer looking because I no longer yearn for the love of another like I used to. Today, what I yearn for
more is to put a smile on His face and make Him proud. I yearn to be with Him, now and always. I yearn to be pleasing to Him. Because I today I know and believe that only He can complete me.

Blessed but Blind...

2009-09-03T18:13:00.000+08:00

Past few days hasn’t been great for me... I’ve been feeling a little down and depressed... Have been reading a lot for therapeutic effects, sleeping a lot to try to avoid thinking about it, and crying a bit to let the pain and frustration out...

I was trying hard to figure out why certain things turn out the way they do... If I was doing something wrongly, if I needed to change anything, if the problem lied within me... I even became upset with God and had a real argument with Him... and said some things no father should have to hear from his child... I am sure I caused Him much hurt but I know I’m very lucky because He still loves me...

This morning, I was sipping my chocolate milk in front of my table, while just staring into the things on my table and stuck on the wall... and then it hit me...

On the wall, there were cards written with so much love from close friends... On the table there were 2 photo frames encapsulating the amazing friends I have, the love I am blessed with, and a life that was most beautiful... all right there, in front me...

Then, it hit me...

Why is it so easy to miss the things standing right in front of us, that is so beautiful and perfect in so many ways? Why do we become blind to the blessings staring right back at us? Why is it so easy for us to take for granted the people, the relationships, the love, the blessings we have right here, right now?

Why is it so easy to focus on the things we’ve lost? Why is it so easy to get distracted and depressed with the things we don’t have? Why do we become obsessed with the what ifs and should haves? Why is it easier to hold on to past disappointments and hurts? Why is it so easy to depreciate the relationships we have right now, right here because of relationships that we had or could have had?

It was then, it hit me...

How blind one can be... How blind I can be...

Sometimes, we won't realise what we have, even if they were staring right back at us...

It was then, it hit me...

How despite believing in living in the moment, I seem to have forgotten all the things I already have, all the things people would die for... All the love one could only imagine about...

It was then,

I realised how blessed I was, and how thankful I am and how more thankful I should be...

Amy Hoo Wan Mun, this one's for you...

2009-08-24T10:03:00.000+08:00

It was only a 3-year friendship but it was one of the richest friendship through which I learned so very much.

The moment she heard me speak (not to her directly), she immediately felt that I was someone she could probably hang out and strike up a conversation with. I, on the other hand didn’t really notice her until we started working on the sketch for our annual gathering. Being the head of the sketch, I know how much I appreciated a member, and especially a friend, who was supportive and creative. But most importantly, we understood each other’s jokes.

It is not easy to find a friend who is of the same wavelength and has the capability to get your jokes, especially not for me, since I can be quite sarcastic and have rather different views on certain matters but she could understand them all pretty well. She might not have agreed with all of it, but she understood what I meant. That was the beginning of an amazing friendship.

I felt really lucky to be able to find someone who could relate to me and vice versa so early in my university life. I remember entering university, thinking that it is going to be quite a feat to try to find a really good friend after the kind of friendships I had in Form 6 but alas God surprised me with Amy Hoo Wan Mun.

I remember how we burst out laughing for the longest time, minutes before our first ever test (it was anatomy) because we were scared out of our mind. People who saw us thought we were crazy, prepared and overconfident. Only we knew why were laughing.

We shared amazing moments together. Some fun, some crazy, some happy, as well as some sad ones filled with pain and hurts. She was the best kind of friend I could have asked for. We would skip classes together (sometimes, we take turns to skip classes so that one could initial for the other. :P), make fun of lecturers together, go on adventures.

Unfortunately, differences did bring us apart at some point in time.

Words that were said or not said. Decisions that were made. Sometimes, I can be so hard on my friends. I seem to have some kind of expectation of them.

It was through my friendship with her that I learned how much courage it takes to make decisions that you believe in, ones that make you happy even if people around you might not be able to agree with you. It was through my friendship with her that I learned every relationship can be restored to what it was before if both parties work on it with sincerity and love. It was through my friendship with her that I learned how important is forgiving and forgetting, for one without the other will result in an incomplete friendship.

I am so grateful to have had her and even more grateful to still have her despite all the misunderstandings that have occurred.

I love you, Amy and will definitely miss you. But more importantly, I truly hope we hold on to each other because some friendships should be preserved/sustained at all cost.

Write to me, I will definitely write to you. And I want to be there at your wedding!!! No joke. Whenever it is going to be, and even when you have children, I want to be there. I want to still be able to visit you when I am 85 (Still looking smoking hot of course. Both you and me) and have crazy granny adventures.

Have a beautiful time in Holland.

Just know that no matter how much you’ve changed and who you’ve become, I’ll still be able to love you and accept you for who you are because you’ve taught me how to.

:)

Love,
Me

ANGER!!!

2009-08-03T20:57:00.000+08:00

I am so angry at the increasing stupidity and ignorance of the people in power.
I'm running out of patience that I have had for them.

There has been so many cases of violation of basic human rights, injustice and downright cruelty to people in Malaysia, be it citizens or non-citizens. They drive me crazy when they continue to think that we are fools who will fall for their STUPID!!!!!! responses and excuses to the many injustices reported against them.

1Malaysia?? I think it's Najib insincere plot to keep the citizens falsely/superficially satisfied.
When the next election comes, BN is not going to win at all. I mean that. Even a child can see the the atrocity and stupidity of the ministers and the people in power.

I hate reading the papers because the chances of me reading some really atrociously stupid thing said by a minister is 100%!!!

What has happened to human conscience? What has happened to fear of God? What has happened to love of neighbours?

Have they lost these essential/basic/fundamental elements that make Man God's greatest creation?

Corrupted, self-centred, cruel, inhumane, vile politicians everywhere....
I am afraid that even our prayers may not be able to save them from what lies ahead of them...

continued... :P

2009-07-21T10:12:00.000+08:00

3. Always give second chances. To yourself and those around you.

I made a mistake. To avoid making the same mistake I shall avoid getting involved in the same activity. Eg. I was chosen to lead a team. I failed miserably. I shall never take up leadership roles again.

Not exactly the best kind of decision to make.

He/She hurt me. I can forgive her but I am not going to try to go back to how things were. We cannot be the way we were before. I forgive her but doesn’t mean that I still trust her.

Not very right.

She judged me and never gave me a chance to explain myself. The misunderstanding is not my fault. It’s hers. Why should I do something to change things? If anyone should take actions, it’s her.

Not very right either.

Sometimes, we can be so hard on ourselves and those around us. We set high standards for others thinking that we, ourselves, are of quite high a standard.

I’ve learnt how much of difference second chances can make. I’ve learnt the amazing relationships I can form giving second chances to others. I’ve learnt that second chances give me a myriad of possibilities in life, allowing me to have a life that is free and not completely predictable. I’ve learnt that giving second chances, especially to myself enables me to perform to greater heights, achieving greater things.

If tomorrow never comes

2009-07-20T11:28:00.000+08:00

I lost 2 people dear to me in the last week. I guess, it reminds me that life is REALLY fragile. Live like there is no tomorrow...

If tomorrow never comes
by Norma Cornett Marek (1989)

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days
If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you know I do.

So, just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So, if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
That you love them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

P.s If you loved this, then you would definitely enjoy Nickelback's 'If today was your last day'.
Agnes, thanks for introducing this song to me. Never heard of it until i saw it in your blog.

10 most important lessons i have learned in my life

2009-07-20T09:31:00.000+08:00

1. Grab opportunities and dare to take risks

Seems like such a simple thing and that many of us shouldn't be struggling to do this. Unfortunately for me and for many of us out there, we struggled and may still do. Very often, we get pulled back by so-called elements of 'realism' that we spend too much time thinking and weighing on the whether it is possible, whether it is worth it, whether it should be done. Everytime an opportunity presents itself to us, a cynical voice in us may tell us that it is not do-able, it is not in our nature, there are too many risks involved. We can do amazing things once we've learnt to shut that voice. There are risks to everything. Taking a step out of the house has a lot of risk. Weighing risks are important but allowing the fear of risks to conquer us and pull us back from living life the best possible way is not right.

Now, I am not saying you should go ahead and have sex with your partner without fearing getting pregnant. I am saying that you shouldn't stop yourself from, for eg, singing on stage (especially if you've got an amazing voice) just because there are possibilities of failing.

I know I let opportunities go because of fears and risks. My life was always executed with precision after carefully weighing possibilities and risks. I've learnt that they stop you from living the best kind of life you can.

Dream big! Seriously. They never let you down. :)

2. Be open to change. Embrace novelty.

Be it a change in a friend's character, or your position on certain issues. Be it rejection or changes in the dynamics of a relationship. Be it way of doing things or expectations from people. Be it a change in circumstances or path of life. I have learnt that the only constant thing in life is change. And embracing change gives us so much colour and definitely success in life. Whenever change comes, welcome it, embrace it and work with it. Nothing will go wrong when things change. Perhaps that has always been one of our biggest fears. That with change and therefore our inability to see into the future mean, we may fail to prepare and therefore we prepare to fail. That if we do not know how things might work, we will not be able to perform well.

Not true!

Change isn't as scary as we may have perceived it to be. Not knowing what is ahead of us doesn't mean that we are going to fail because we are not prepared. What matters most is embracing the change and making the best out of it. Whatever comes, let it come. Take it by the horns and maneuver it as our life is ours entirely.

Things will definitely turn out just as perfectly. I'm not just saying this. I know for a fact that this is true.

.....to be continued.....

p.s It is possible that the child in the dream from my previous post is representative of God in my life. The only person who understands and sees through me without me having to explain myself. The only person who would hold on to me and give me the ultimate joy. I guess, in my eyes, He's the one who is filled with wisdom, compassion and is still enveloped with innocence. Just like the child.

The dream...

2009-07-16T10:45:00.000+08:00

I had an amazing dream last night. Trying to capture into words, the emotions I felt and the beauty of the situation that I was in seems to be quite a feat.

In my dream, I was in love with a man who I probably cannot be with. He had a child from his previous relationship (I don’t know if they were married) and he was involved with another woman at the time.

No, that is not the beautiful part.

Well, the interesting part came when the woman he was with previously did not want his child and wanted him to be responsible for the child. So, this man (I don’t know who he is) agreed to take the child and care for him. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how on earth he was going to take care of a child when he struggles even to take care of his own self and his girlfriend.

See, that where I came in. Being his good/close friend (truly resembles my real life situations. I’m always the friend, who’s in love with her best friend, who’s in love with some other hot chick. Drama? Yes!), I was more than happy to help him take care of his son to be exact until he gets used to the whole responsibility. Apart from helping him, I was truly and genuinely ecstatic about seeing the son of the man I love. Well, he may not be mine, but I was still so happy to know that I was about to meet the ‘little’ him.

And I still remember vividly how I felt when I first laid eyes on the boy. Heavenly. No other word could describe the moment but heavenly. He was the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful, lovely child I have ever seen. There was so much innocence and simplicity in that face and he smiled from his heart, with no worries and no inhibitions. The moment was simply magical. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I felt like he was mine. Entirely mine.

The child had nothing to do with me. He belonged to the man who didn’t love me. But I loved the child, even when I knew nothing about him. He owned my heart even when he was not technically mine.

I remember taking him up and holding him close to me and wishing that I could spend the rest of my life caring for him.

He was about 3 years old in my dream and he had the brightest mind. His opinions were simple and yet so honest. It was as if he could see through people and know their true intentions. It was as if he could feel what was in them and reciprocate it equally.

I could remember that he clung on to me because he liked me for some weird reason. I remember how he instantly knew how much I loved his father, although his father was clueless. And maybe I was biased, but he also felt that his father was much more comfortable with me than his own girlfriend.

I remember him complaining about wanting to poop and I how took him to the washroom and took care of the whole deal without feeling any kind of disgust. All I saw was his beautiful soul. I loved him.

The next thing I know was that the bad guys were trying to kill me and the child and I remember thinking that I would do anything to save that child’s life. Give mine, if necessary.

Then, I woke up.

I couldn’t believe that I dreamt such a thing. I am only 22 years old and there I was dreaming about caring for a child. It felt so adult. So weird.

At the end of the day, what I learned about myself is that I would love to be a mother and I would love even to be a single mother. That it wouldn’t bother me even a bit if the child was not biologically mine because I would connect to him like his was completely mine. I would love him with everything I had.

I am happy to have felt something so beautiful in just a dream..

Strangers

2009-07-15T08:44:00.000+08:00

After the kind of friendship we've shared, it hurts me to see that we seem to be strangers to each other today.

I am perplexed by how much things have changed.

I look at who we were to each other before and who we are to each other today.

We do not hold on because we do not think it's worth it?

Inspirations from the past

2009-07-12T20:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, even if you no longer know the person the way you used to, even if you no longer talk, even if you no longer see them and may not even remember how their voice sounds like, you still cannot help but smile widely, happily and genuinely when you hear how well, how happy, how beautiful their life is right now.

Over the past few years, some friends from the past are no longer as close as they used to be. I haven’t seen them in ages, haven’t talked to them in ages because I am such a failure at keeping in touch but I am so happy to see where they are today. It never fails to amaze me the kind of persons we have become today. From who we were to who we are today. Everybody has been on a different journey and yet, everybody has been equally mind-blowing. It was privilege knowing you guys.

Temme Lee

Lee-Lim Ai Ping

Janice Cheng

Irene Ooi

Kumatha

Zaharah

Nabila

Rashidah

Aishah

Jonathan Yap

Benedict Justin

Christina Mary

Olivia Scully

Grace Ooi

It’s been an amazing journey and thank you for inspiring me in ways small or big to just chase my dreams and dare to be me, just the way I am.

Tagged by ...

2009-06-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

List 10 things that you want for your birthday, doesn't matter whether the things that you want is possible or impossible to get.

My birthday is coming up... soon...
so.... hmmm..... :P
God, pls note...

1. A scholarship to do my phD in Sydney
2. A car (peugeot or honda)
3. RM5000 cash money
4. Dinner with friends and family
5. Lotsa food, all kinds, i mean raw food material for me to cook... A fridge and cupboard with neverending raw food... :D
6. A beautiful dress
7. Salsa (or anything else awesome) dancing lessons
8. An offer to publish a book... hehehehe...
9. A real date
10. A trip to Venice

People that I tag: Anybody who wants to do this... :D

Super sensory systems and ramblings

2009-06-24T14:59:00.000+08:00

I have got super-sensory system. Though my eyes may have failed me when I was just a child, my other sensory systems’ potential has been fully explored... My ears have a threshold level of 0 dB which is extremely good and my nose is capable of smelling food miles away and my tongue is capable of distinguishing the different mini-ingredients present in a broth. Okay, I am exaggerating but we all know some bit of exaggeration is really good for the soul.

My brain works super-sonic fast too. I have a subconscious mind that is stronger than the conscious mind. Confused already? Well, the conscious mind is the one that is consciously performing tasks, getting things done. The subconscious mind is the one that understands the reasons behind your actions, emotions, fear even if you don’t really do. The subconscious mind is the one that leads your feet to your office every morning without you having to make a conscious effort to.

Okay, I’m rambling. I don’t really ramble on my blog but I just needed to get rid of the extra energy that is pent up in me because I am not too good at sitting stationary in front of the computer 8 to 5.

Okay, I’m also rambling because I haven’t had a good conversation for some time. Weirdly, having a good conversation to me doesn’t necessarily have to be me and somebody(anybody), talking beyond the superficial. A good conversation can also be me just listening to someone else sharing with me something beyond superficial. A conversation doesn’t have to be 2 people talking. It can be one person talking while the other listens. As long as there is effective communication which clearly involves one person talking while the other listens and vice versa (when necessary), then there is bound to be good conversation.

I think this is a really good piece of rambling. Maybe I should ramble more. On second thoughts, perhaps not.

Beauty

2009-06-21T21:39:00.000+08:00

Such a fascinating element. Essentially it’s all things good, pure and innocent, yet it possesses the potential to be distorted, manipulated and misused.

To tell you the truth, I used to hate Beauty. I felt that people are too often unjustly measured by it. There is an ideal belief where everyone is Beautiful but to people, somehow, that ideal belief is only meant to be spoken, not to be practised or believed.

I used to hate dressing up because I didn’t want to look ‘beautiful’ for others and give them the opportunity to judge or evaluate me. I enjoyed provoking elders’ comments on my lack of feminineness and my lack of accessories (Indians think that all Indian girls should wear some amount of gold to be considered representable).

Over time, growing up, I learned to appreciate Beauty.

Don’t get me wrong. I have learned to appreciate Beauty in its essential pure form, not in the form the world seemed to be obsessed with.

The belief that everyone is Beautiful, is a truth and a fact. It is not just an utopian idea that is virtually impossible.

What is even more disturbing is how we have learnt to partition beauty.
To many, the term ‘everyone is Beautiful’ can only be applied when one sees inner beauty and not when one is also considering physical beauty. It surprises me how almost everybody is convinced that there are criteria for physical beauty and if you don’t have physical features that meet those criteria then they are not physically beautiful. Then, we go on to justify our shallowness by stating that ‘You are beautiful inside’ (even if you may not possess physical beauty). We seem to be caught in our own world, believing that not everybody is physically beautiful, simply because we are contented with our shallowness and don’t see that the problem is in our vision and perspective and not on the person being viewed or evaluated.

Everyone is beautiful. Truly and sincerely, I believe in that. Everyone is beautiful, inside and out. Everyone looks perfect in their own way. It is up to the eye to recognise that. Everybody’s eyes, nose, lips, face is beautiful beyond words. All we need to do is to learn to see that. Many things are present and exist but we fail to see it because we are clouded by our own delusions and misconceptions.

“The representation of female beauty does not usually focus on the face in which the feelings and thoughts—in a word, the soul—of the woman are so clearly manifested, but focuses instead on other parts of the body, always the same parts. There are no more “Mona Lisa’s” in art, and at this point it seems doubtful that there will be any in the future.” Excerpt from an article from Word Among Us, June 2009

I found the quote above to be so accurate. One’s beauty is clearly reflected in the face, where one’s expression, joy, passion, excitement, compassion is visualised and yet we fail to recognise it. Beauty in the face here does not mean high cheek bones, full lips, big eyes, long eye lashes. Not at all. That is the shallow, restricted idea of Beauty that the world has made us believe in. Beauty in the face is the sincerity, purity, love that is all clearly reflected in the face.

Now, we are obsessed with hot bodies, sexiness and ‘sophisticated/elegant’ face. We want a ‘hot’, ‘attractive’ partner that we can parade to others.

Just try it once (then again, and again and again. :)). See the physical beauty that is in the people around us. It’s there. We just need to learn to see it.

Just yesterday, I was having dinner with some people I know. Acquaintances I shall call them. A women in her 20’s with her partner walked past us and one of my acquaintances passed a comment, stating how her skirt doesn’t match her top. How she would have looked better if she wore a white top instead of black. To be honest, I didn’t see anything wrong with what she wore. She wasn’t even close to a fashion disaster. I was taken aback by the comment and expressed my fear over being judged by some other stranger who may have been evaluating my fashion sense similarly. Her reply to my statement was, “Well, You are what you wear after all”. She was convinced that it is irrefutably true.

Wow! What amazing method of defining characters. I don’t blame her. She was just stating what she was told. Unfortunately, she couldn’t see beyond that.

Somehow, we have come to believe that we now possess the position to judge others, to tell them what a fashion disaster they are, or what would have looked better on them. I don’t know where we get those ridiculous ideas from. Helping your friend choose what looks good on them is somewhat acceptable but evaluating the fashion sense of people we barely know reflects our sense of superiority on others. It is disturbing and frustrating.

Firstly, in my opinion, we don’t possess any right at all to comment on a person’s fashion sense, what more someone we hardly even know.

Secondly, we should ashamed to say that ‘We are what we wear’. How could we have allowed the world to convince us that a person should be judged by what they wear? How could we be stupid and shallow enough to think that a person’s fashion sense defines his/her character.

Unbelievable.

Read any fashion magazine and you will see tons of fashion tips and how to dress ‘right’. If everybody follows those tips, then we would probably all look alike. To come to think of it, look around, 70-80% of us dress alike. Especially those are trend followers. In this case then, wouldn’t we all have the same personality and character since we do dress alike? I mean if ‘we are what we wear’, then we are all the ‘same’?

Tragic, ridiculous, sad, frustrating and completely untrue.

It is time that we become aware of what truly is right and what is ‘portrayed’ to be right. It is time to stop allowing external factors distort the truth.

I wonder...

2009-06-11T20:46:00.000+08:00

I just finished reading 19 minutes by Jodi Piccoult and it truly was a startling read. It left me feeling a combination of the weirdest feelings. It left me feeling lost, in disbelief, wondering, empty, trapped, and speechless.

I am not going to give a synopsis of the book. If you are interested, you can check it out. I will share what questions it made me ask myself when I finished it.

I wondered if bullying was really such a common thing in American schools.

I wondered if a typical American school really does have such stereotypical groups of people i.e jocks, nerd, cheerleaders, geeks etc.

I wondered how much would someone give to be accepted by his/her peers.

I wondered how much would one do or sacrifice to be part of the popular kids in school.

I wondered which group I would have been a part of if fate had it for me to grow up in USA.

I wondered if I would have been part of the geeks, the cheerleaders or the popular bitchy ones
because I think I can fit into all of the above.

I wondered if I would have lost my virginity at the age of 15 if I grew up in USA and not have given love as much respect as I do now.

I wondered how many boyfriends I would have had by the time I turned 22.

I wondered if I would have had any abortion. I wondered if my parents would have been divorced.

I wondered if I would have loved the way I did. If I would have given the way I did.

I wondered if I would have turned a completely different person.

I am glad I had Him to help me the make the choices I made.

Pathetic

2009-06-08T21:14:00.000+08:00

I’m spiralling down the web of confusion,
I’m drowning in turmoil of emotion,
Uncertainties, questions, pain,

I am lost, I am running,
I want it all to stop.

I am losing, I am stuck,
I am stagnant, and without hope.

I am breaking, and yet I am held together.
I am trying, and yet I am not moving.

Sometimes, I wish time stops at this precise moment,
Sometimes, I wish I knew where I should head,
Sometimes, I wish I stopped.
Sometimes, I wish that I cease existing,
Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so pathetic.

Like, yes. Love, no.

2009-06-04T10:35:00.000+08:00

Have you experienced or seen a moment in life where people run away from things that are good or great?

Let me try to explain it before you fall deeper into the ocean of confusion.

An analogy this shall be.

I have seen and read about how men run if a girl they may have been dating used the 'LOVE' word. Of course, the explanation behind it is that the man is not ready yet for such seriousness in the relationship. What got me thinking about this was the Hindi movie, 'Bachna Ae Haseeno' about a guy who broke the heart of two girls who was serious with him when he wasn't. It's a good, interesting movie actually.

It made me wonder. What makes a person run upon hearing the word 'LOVE' even when their partner is close to perfect (I decided not to be a feminist or biased. Men are not the only ones who run away. Women do too) and love is definitely a good thing, is it not? After thinking for a while, i came up with a theory. Feel free to indulge.

A person chooses to run away from things that are good and perfect (atleast close to) because of fear. Fear that if he/she acknowledges and accepts such goodness, he may be called to change as well. Maybe, at that point, he doesn't feel he is leading his life in the right, good, great way but in a way that makes him happy and at that point, he just wants to be happy. Acknowledging, accepting and receiving something that good may feel like a call to change his life into a right, good, great thing as well which he is not ready for. It might be call for change of lifestyles, change of perspective, change of attitude. Accepting someone who loves you, and not necessarily just likes you, means there is a lot more commitment involved. There's an air of seriousness that may require change on his side which he is not ready for.

When i thought about it, i wondered if that is the reason people run from God.

I mean, He offers us a surplus of possibilities, unconditional love, mercy, 77 x 77 times of forgiveness, neverending support, gifts that would bring us to greater heights as an individual, all things good and perfect and we prefer to run away from Him. Even if we deny that and say we are not running away from Him, we must admit that we rather keep a safe distance from Him, like we don't mind liking Him but we kind of mind loving Him. We don't mind having Him in our life as long as we don't have to do things that are uncomfortable for us.

To come to think of it, i feel that we run for the same reason as i mentioned earlier. We run because we fear that if we acknowledge, accept and start receiving His love and blessings, we might be obliged to do good, great, perfect things that He calls us to do. We like the way we are living our life right now and we fear that accepting His love might be a call for a change in our lifestyle that we are clearly not ready for. So, we run and keep a safe distance. A distance that allows us to still receive His mercy and blessings when we need it and still enables us to avoid feeling guilty when we might do the not-exactly-the-right-thing.

We run from good things because we fear what it can do to us and what it might call us to do because we are very much happy where we are.

Is that logical?

Memories II

2009-06-04T10:04:00.000+08:00

I realised that my previous post of recapping my life 22 years ago seems to have subconsciously omitted some very important part of my life.

So, here is my conscious effort setting that right.

12- 16 years old
I became involved with a church youth group, Junior Youths and youth programme ran by the youth group under PDYN, The Persons' Are Gifts programme. This programme is extremely instrumental to who i am today. Jonathan Yap was my youth leader when i became involved in the group and he played a pivotal role in shaping me into the kind of leader i am today. He thought me a great deal about being leader, about supporting your leader, about making ethical, right decision, about sacrifices, about not falling into peer pressure. Helena Michael thought me asbout commitment. Ezekiel Raj thought me about flexibility, and second chances. I must say 70% of who i am today is because of what i experience during my time with this group. For that,i am truly grateful

Con't from previous post...

17-18 years old
This period was one of the best times in life, Form 6! Many things happened and shook my world and shaped me into better person. A close friend lost her mother, my honesty came back to bite me, friends moved away to do their degree and pursue their dreams (Temme, Rani, Zaharah and a lot more), and i decided to do something i never even considered before, Form 6!!
Muna, Rohene, Aggie and Feli, became the famous foursome in school. We did many crazy hings together. Go hiking with a 6 year-old trail book (obviously we got lost) and learn how the difference in our characters truly complement each other without antagonising each other. We did many projects together, got locked in school building together so we climbed the tree to get out, get chased my monkeys, got bitten by wild boar ticks (all were affected but me!! because i didn't go hiking that time with them. hehe. Lucky me!). We became bound to each other, which is pretty cool actually because it felt like this is the friendship that is going to last a lifetime. We had ideas of opening a bakery together when we retire because muna was so good at baking and we were good at being critiques. hahaha.

19-21+ years old
The three years in university brought me to greater heights, not in terms of academic achievements but personal development. I have changed tremendously and i am thankful that they have been positive changes. I've touched lives, hopefully. I realised the power that has been bestowed within me, within all of us and have learned how we can use that power to make a difference, a lot of difference. I learned to take risks, i learned to give my all in everything i do, i learned to love myself and use the power of optimism, i learned to have faith and to persevere even when circumstances may indicate otherwise, i learnt to forgive, to lay back and relax, i learned to let go, of pride, of insecurities, of failures, i learnt to give, to love, and to receive. I learned to give Him what He truly deserves, although i may fail now and then. I learned to hold on and to keep in touch. I learned to be happy, to be truly happy, 300% happy. Now, i'm looking forward to the future.

Memories

2009-05-25T20:06:00.000+08:00

I was cleaning up my drawers and lockers at home. I was throwing away many things that i have kept since even my primary school. Those i know is significant until today, i kept, those that i felt were of lesser significance, i threw away.

As i was going through the things i had stored up in the locker for the past 10 years or so, i was really startled and fascinated at some of the things i was looking at.

Some friends that i remember being very close to. I love cards and it was my card collection that reminded me of who i was back then, who my friends were and what we shared. I was also very fascinated and startled by how far i have come, who i have become today. Who are still my friends, whom i've let go. I also noticed how some of my friends sent me cards almost every year although we never really saw of each other and how i choose to let them go for reasons i cannot comprehend right now. I guess this is what it truly means when we say, human makes mistakes.

So, this is my walk down memory lane and a tribute to great people who've taught me so much about me, about friendship and love and leadership and most importantly, about life itself.

6 years old
I was a competitive, smart-ass in kindy itself, parading my superior intelligence and ability to read well and better than most of my peers. To think of it now, i wished i was more humble and giving. i remember Vigneswary from my kindy, for a childish simple reason that she beat me and got first in class when i got second. From my memory, she copied my answers and beat me at my own game. To come to think of it now, i'm not really sure if she really did.

7-9 years old
My days in primary school always started with 'Aci-lat-duduk' and i was always sweaty and tired even before school began. Those were the days. I had a perfect results in school and i must say it was probably Him. It was also during these days that we children had that 'Kawan' and 'Tak-nak kawan' signals. There were gangs and we were united to isolate those who we felt wronged us. The end of Std 3: i passed PTS and woo-hoo, i skipped my Std 4, abandoned my batchmates, 'betrayed' them and joined the new set of friends. I can't remember many of my old friends name, except for Azhana, Shamini, Revathi, Mayzatul, Charlene and favourite teacher, Pn Fauziah. I don't even remember how she looked like. I remember i loved Mayzatul because she was the sweetest and the kindest. She would still befriend me during the times the 'gang' decided to isolate me. I remember Charlene so well because i remember we always shared and exchanged food during recess. I remember that her grandma made the most delicious fried rice and i love exchanging my nasi lemak for it, although she wasn't too fond of nasi lemak. hehe. Revathi is the only friend, whose house i still went to for deepavali every year until 2007.

10-11 years old.
I can still get my As without studying. I have a new set of friends that i am comfortable with. Agnes, Way Yuin, Suet Ling, Azhana, Subashini, Shalene. I remember Cikgu Shamser, my science teacher who didn't really like me. I remember, Cikgu Azimah who loved me and i'll never forget Pn Jamaliah who was the coolest Maths teacher because she sat down and played Congkak with us. Imagine that? I remember Agnes, the craze of the school kids, my mentor. I remember Way Yuin, gosh she was pale and thin, in other words she was BEAUTIFUL. I also remember that i had ticks on my hair which i got from my sister, who got it from her friends, and i was too embarassed to tell anyone about it. i remember Pn. Dania who found out and asked me about it. i remember getting rid of the ticks and staying away from my sister because i was afraid she'll 'infect' me again. How stupid and selfish of me.
End of primary school: 5As and bigs dreams to go to SGGS for secondary education. It was clearly the in-thing then. SGGS was like Harvard in Penang for secondary school. Everyone wants to go.

12 - 13 years old
I was the only one from SKSN, my primary school who ended taking the offer and going to SGGS. Most of my friends who wanted to go to SGGS initially seemed to have changed their minds. And when i heard that they were no longer planning to go, i decided not to either. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately rather, i was 'blackmailed' into going and wah-lah i was in SGGS. I didn't like how the school boasted of great results for i felt the only reason they do so well is because they only take in good students. Of course they'll do well when the school is made up only of good students. Duh! I changed quite a bit. I talk a lot. I'm a big part of my church youth group. I was learning to balance popularity with kind-heartedness. Thank god for youth group, otherwise in a school like SGGS, it is very easy to become proud and chase after meaningless things like positions and popularity. Well, I'm still cute. Haha. I've become somewhat popular. My best friend was none other than the instrumental and significant TEMME!!! We did many things together but it was when i was in Form 3 that we got super close to each other. At this point of time, the people that i ate with, laughed with, danced with, played with were Rohene, Muna, Kumatha, Temme, Rachel, Shashminie. And i'm so grateful that out of this 6, 4 of them are still very close to him and all of them are extremely dear to me. :) Oh, btw, i forgot mention that my results were going down the drain because at this point you cannot do well if you don't study and i haven't figured that out... yet...

14-16 years old
Form 3 til Form 5 is the time that my popularity in such a big school escalated. I was elected Junior Prefect in Form 3 before being elected a Red Skirt. I was part of the Debating Team and we were State Champions and dethroned Penang Free School rather smugly. Hehehe. By this time, my oratory skills are pretty developed and i am known for my wittiness. I have a good relationship with my teachers and i love them. Pn. Irene, Pn Goh, Mr Ang all contributed to my being who i am today. I still keep in touch with Pn. Goh and i love her to bits. I still visit her during Chinese New Year until now. That is a compusory house to visit for me. I miss her. Temme and i are extremely tight. We've done crazy things and amazing things. Playing truant, watching movies after school, hanging out at her house or at the mall in our uniforms, talking for hours on the phone and sometimes during sleepovers, complaining about characters we don't quite like in school, fearing losing each other. Truth is she was way cooler, nicer than me and i got to know people because she knew them. We were alike in so many ways and yet different in many other ways. She was already great in her writing. No wonder she excelled in Mass Communications in the end. My close group of friends now were Vivienne, Rohene, Elavarasi, Zaharah, Muna, Shashminie, Temme (obviously), Meng Lin. Gosh, i miss them so much now. We, soooooo, need a reunion guys!! I learnt put some effort into studying. I still hate History, explains why i got a B3 for it in SPM. Btw, i kept getting E8s for my form 4 and form 5 history. So, B3 is a miracle!! :) The rest were As, teachers were surprised, i wasn't. I wonder why i wasn't surprised. Faith? Possibly.

To be continued...

Let go.

2009-05-24T12:20:00.000+08:00

You're running away from me...

Whatever your reasons are, if you believe it's a good reason, i trust you.

I'm letting you go...

If that gives you peace and joy, then be it.

Good luck.

Be happy.

Live long and prosper.

:)

Me, still happy. :)

Freedom...

2009-05-19T23:17:00.001+08:00

Well,

i'm leaving tomorrow...
hopefully, this time i won't miss my bus or anything of that sort...

initially, i was dreading leaving um...
leaving behind people i'm so attached to...

but now....
i'm dying to leave...
i want to leave...

because...
i want to see how i'm going to cope with this new adventure...
i want to see if i'll still be so attached to them when i am away and far,
or if i'll learn to adapt, like i usually did...

i want to see if the relationships that were formed will last,
or will fade away with time...

i want to see what the future holds...

i want to break free from chains that are tying me down,
my own insecurities and attachments,
my fear of losing people,
i want to break free and move....

:)

One hour to live, one hour to love...

2009-05-12T23:34:00.000+08:00

So, I was out with Tobias and Simon, helping them settle their Mother’s Day gifts. We were in Midvalley, and as we finished so early, and I wasn’t ready to leave so early, I suggested to them that we visit Borders in The Gardens and boy, am I glad we did.

As we entered, my eyes caught the sight of a thin book with a classic interesting cover, entitled One hour to live, One hour to love by Richard and Kristine Carlson. Just to quench my curiousity, I turned the book over to read the synopsis at the back cover and I was so taken back by what I was reading.

Well, first and foremost, it is not a fiction. It was a book that contained the letter Richard Carlson, the famous author, wrote to his wife on their 18th anniversary, 3 years before his unexpected death due to pulmonary embolism during a flight. His letter is the one hour to live part of the book. Kristine Carson’s response to him after his demise is the one hour to love part of the book.

As I sat at the couch prepared for people like me who intend to finish reading the book without any intentions to purchase them, I unabashedly started reading the book. And gosh, I was trying hard to hold my tears back as I read the book.

In his letter to his wife, he said that if he had one hour to live, he would call his wife and spent his time with his wife and children.

So, there I was reflecting and wondering, who would I call, what would I say if I had only an hour to live.

If I had only an hour to live,

I would call my parents and tell them how much I appreciate every little thing they have done for me and how their unconditional love continues to blow me away. I would tell them they were perfect parents and I am blessed and I know I can never find better. I would tell them I love them and that they mean the world to me.

As I thought of the things I would tell my parents in my last hour to live, I was grateful that I have told them all of these already. I just did it on the first day of the year 2009. I wrote them a letter telling them almost exactly as mentioned above and more and I was so glad that I did.

Next, I would tell simmei, how grateful I am for her. I would tell her, how she’s the one person, apart from God, that I trust my thoughts and opinions with. That even though I may pale in comparison to some of the great, good things she is, I would still hold on to her because she means so much to me. I would tell her that those long talks that we had, those makan trips, the working on YV together and the many times she understood and accepted me when not many could have, I appreciate it more than my life. And that I would do anything I could to preserve and hold on to what we have. And if you’re reading this, then I’m telling you that now because I don’t think I want to wait for my final hour to live to say all these.

I would tell Gayathri Devi that I love her. I love her for supporting me and loving me like family. I’m so happy that she’s happy and that she has taught me more than she knows. I would tell her I enjoy the witty conversations we had, that I’ll forever remember the many conversations we had. I am so grateful for the time she was there for me when I was broken and hurt during my second year and how she still tried to be there when I was broken again in my final year. I am truly appreciative for your neverending love and support and I really don’t know if I have reciprocated it equally.

(Gosh, i really hope i don't regret being too honest and saying this and answering to challenges. :P)
I would tell him that he is special to me and I love the many things that we did together. And If it really was my final hour to live, I’d grit my teeth and put away my pride and tell him that I love him for reasons I’ll never understand. That the only reason I held on despite the rejection was because Christ taught me only to love in one way, which is unconditionally, and patiently. To love where what’s good for him will always be more important than what’s good for me or what I want. That I hold on because I believe in certain things that he is yet to understand or see. I would tell him that despite his weaknesses, I admire his strength, loyalty and care he has for the people he care for. I would tell him that he is capable of doing so much more and that I know that he knows that. I would tell him that I trust Christ with us, and that what is planned will happen however it is suppose to happen. If you are reading this, then stop floating and come back down to earth.

And my final minutes on earth, I would spend it with Him, who means the most to me, my first spouse, the reason I smile as I sleep, the reason my life is meaningful and perfect in so many ways, the one person who loved me despite my shortcomings and failings, who made me perfect. I would tell Him that I’ve looked forward to this day, where I get to fulfil my promise to spend my life completely and fully with Him after the end of my earthly days. I would tell him I am so grateful for such an amazing life, and that I am even more grateful that He was there with me through it all. And I’ll breathe my last, on earth and start anew in Heaven. Woo-hoo!!!!

No, I’m not tearing as I write this. I am smiling. I am not writing this because I am experiencing PMS (or am I? Hmmm....), not because I am feeling emo...

I write this because I agree with Richard Carlson that, I should live my life as if it was my last hour to live. And I wanted to challenge myself to say these things and didn’t want to wait till my final hour on earth to start living.

I am happy. Very.

Of course, there are so many more people who deserve to be in this entry. But then, it would be too long a post, and you guys wouldn’t really finish reading it anyway. So, I picked the people most significant in my life right now.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Thank you...

2009-05-01T16:18:00.000+08:00

I haven’t written in a long time...

Couldn’t bring myself to write it...

For if I did, then I will be forced to stare at it and digest the information it’s throwing at me...

I’m leaving... leaving this place that I’ve grown so accustomed to in the past 3 years...

I’m leaving people, that I’ve grown to love so dearly... leaving people that changed me into a better person... leaving people who opened up their lives and shared it with me...

People tell me, ‘we’ll still see you’... I think, ‘well, maybe you would... but it’ll never be the same again’...

I know it’s part of life...

But I feel like I’m being forced to leave fragments of my heart for they’re become so personal to me...

I love you all, in ways bigger than u can possibly imagine...

If I never loved you all, then it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does now...

But it’s impossible not to love the amazing persons you all are...

Thank you for being part of me...

Gayathri Devi
Chuah Sim Mei
Amy Hoo
Dhayalen Krishnen
Gayathri Selvarajoo
Prakash Rao
Ronnie Romelean
Thanes
Ranjani
Sheikh Mohd Norhafiz
Xyroule Hisyam
Clarita
Rita Mohan
Yip Keen Nam
Tobias Javan
Simon Channing Nub
Timothy Cheng
Muhammad Danial
Natasha Mohd Noh
Ching Ai Sze
Ng Hooi Ling
Lee Ern Chi
Chin Yunni
Law Meng Hong
Chin Hai
Teo Jun Liang
Eunice Soh
Yogita
Tharishni
Nashjit
Pravesh
Anand
Suria

If anyone asks
I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare
I'll pretend that i don't hear them talk
Whenever i see you, i'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend i'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet
Can i open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry, cry

If anyone asks
I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yet what do i care
If they believe me or not
Whenever i feel your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend i'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet
Can i open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry, cry

I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Is it over yet
Can i open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry, cry, cry

Interval

2009-04-01T09:50:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the angry post before this.
Ignore it...
I don't enjoy writing angry posts and i'm hardly ever angry...
but that day was a really weirdly angry day...
and i ended up getting irritated with little things...

I am better and back now...

:D

Beauty is in everyone

2009-03-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

Some may not understand what I mean by this but I believe that it’s easier for a girl to look hip, hot and happening than to look herself.

I mean, right now, in this present time, there’s almost a clear definition of how a desirable girl looks like. Follow the recipe and you’ll find yourself landing the attention of many.

Just ensure you switch your glasses for contacts, get your hair straightened and then cut or style it in the latest trend, follow the latest fashion trends, wear hot heels/stilettos/pumps and walk the walk.
Do all or most of the above, and I promise you that you will have many showing you their undivided attention.

Honestly, I wish all that I said above wasn’t true. Unfortunately, it is. And I got to witness and experience it for myself.

Some may have known, that I switched my glasses for contacts. So, I’ve been wearing contacts and all of a sudden, I have many people giving me second looks, checking me out, complimenting me saying how pretty I look, asking if I’ve found someone and if he’s the reason behind my changes.

Even the canteen guy gives me more food because ‘I am so pretty now’. I receive good services from every restaurant that I go to. Cashiers, waiters smile at me as they take my order or get my bill. People treat me differently now.

Now, a girl should be flattered with such attention. But I, I am far from flattered. I feel rather disgusted that one can only notice beauty as defined by the media. And people treat you differently based on whether you are pretty or not. It’s depressing and disturbing.

It seems to me, beauty can only be recognised if you fit the criteria. Shit. There are criteria for looking beautiful and everyone is measured using the same criteria.

You know, what’s even worse is I get many people telling me how more chic, hot, happening and beautiful I’d look if I straightened my hair.

It’s as if there’s a checklist for defining beautiful girls. The more ticks you’ve got on your checklist, the more ‘beautiful’ others view you as.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the same person, with or without glasses. I see the same beautiful person. And yet, others only seem to recognise the beauty if I had contacts on, instead of glasses.

The truth is, it’s so much easier to just wear contacts all the time, get my hair straightened and look like the hottest chick ever, and win the attention and favour of many around me. It’s easier.

What’s difficult is to be me, glasses or contacts, to just be me. What’s difficult is to be me, knowing that people will treat me differently if I had glasses on instead of contacts.

If this is how I feel, I cannot imagine how many others who do not fit the ‘beauty’ criteria feel as they are treated differently based on how they look.

People need to learn to see the real beauty everyone has. People need to stop giving themselves excuses to define others using standards. People need to stop judging others by things superficial. People need to grow up and understand what life is really about. People need to stop giving themselves excuses saying, it’s biological, it’s innate. It’s not. It’s stupid.

Memories

2009-03-28T13:24:00.000+08:00

Thoughts from watching “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”

If you could erase someone or something from your memory, would you do it? Think about it, about your life, what would you erase from your memory? Can you think of a painful experience you wished you never went through? If there was a possibility of erasing that memory, would you do it?

That really got me thinking...

I have a beautiful life. It is more than perfect. It is more than anything I could dream of. But I dare not say, it has always been this way. I remember clearly the times or moments in life that wasn’t so pretty, moments in life when I was broken, lost, without hope, in pain, confused, searching, hurt.

To come to think about it, would I erase those memories if I could?

Would you want to erase the memory of a failed friendship or relationship?

Would you want to erase the memory of losing someone?

Would you want to erase the memory of someone who hurt you?

If we do not give it too much thought, the answer would be obvious. Why not? Why not erase memories that only remind us of pain and trauma?

Truth is, I am so glad nothing of that sort happened. I am so glad I erased no one from my memory. I am so glad that such technology is not legally available or is accessible right now. I am glad I remember everyone and everything, even those who may have caused me hurt. We can only be hurt by those that we love. Those that we do not love do not possess the power or privilege to hurt us. So, if we erased someone who hurt us from our memory, then we erased someone we love.

Note how I didn’t use the past tense. Someone we love and not someone we loved.

To me, love is not a feeling or an emotion. Love is a capability. It is a decision. It is an action. We fall in love because we want to, because we can. And when we no longer are on the same page, or we have somehow developed some dislike to some characteristics of the person we love, it does not mean, we no longer love that someone. We might dislike some things they do but we cannot, not love them.

Couples who break up, they don’t stop loving each other. The only thing that changes is the way they love each other. It may no longer be in a romantic manner, but they would still love each other. If one can say they no longer love their ex, then, to me, they never loved their ex in the first place.

Everyone is precious in our life, everyone has a role, everyone teach us something about ourselves. Everyone contributes to how we grow. Everyone. No one is worth erasing from our memory.

I thank God for people who have made me cry, for people who gave me sleepless nights, for people who made me angry and upset, for people who caused me pain. I thank God for all of them, but above of all that, I thank God for giving me the ability to remember them, and most importantly, the ability to appreciate them and to continue loving them. They define who I am today. Thank you for being a part of me. I would never have it any other way.

p.s For your information, there are preliminary researches reporting the ability to erase bad memories selectively. Not kidding. it's only a matter of time, before they get approved and are made available to public.

Yes, we can!!

2009-03-08T20:22:00.000+08:00

After a day conference enlightening me and challenging me about my own prejudices and stereotypes about other people, I was determined to avoid it and work my way to ensuring I move out of my own weaknesses.

So, there I was, lying on my bed on a Sunday afternoon, (after a 4-hour nap that is. Oh, c’mon, what are Sundays for, right?), watching a movie I’ve never heard about, The College Road Trip. Well, internet connection in the college was down which meant there was nothing much I can do, really. I have assignments due but without the connection I can’t exactly do any research before I start writing. So, I decided to try to learn something while having fun with a movie. Movies have a lot to teach you, really, apart from entertaining you.

The College Road Trip was movie about a overprotective father (who happens to be chief police officer, leading us to believe that may be the root cause of his overprotectiveness) who was unable to let his daughter make her own decisions about college applications and his inability to let her out of his sight because he wanted to ensure she is protected.

Well, the movie was normal, covering all the typical issue surrounding the father-daughter relationship. However, what struck my interest or attention rather was the stereotypes I noticed in the movie.

The stereotypes about the typical African American family, and how they roll. The dynamics of the African American family.

Then, there was the stereotypes about the typical American family. The truth is, this stereotype was so evident, it was disturbing. The perfect American family was portrayed to be geeky family with an over-excited, deluded father, a perfect mother who says Yes and supports her husband through everything and a daughter who’s smart, nerdy and so excited about everything that she doesn’t seem to see how she’s frightening everyone. Oh, and they are a musical family. I mean, they are literally a musical family who sings classics and happy songs whereas the African American family is more into rap and hip-hop.

See what I mean.

Even High School Musical, which I really enjoyed watching due to its positive energy, was contradictory and stereotypical in its own way. Although the movie promotes people to dare to be different and to be original and themselves, many of its characters are so stereotypically portrayed.

Sharpay, the fashionable bimbo, control freak?

Troy, the handsome jock, who’s loved by all?

Gabriella, the sweet perfect smile, pretty smart girl, beauty with brains?

Chelsy, the nerdy music composer?

I mean, I found it funny that while promoting originality, HSM seems to have fallen into their own DON’Ts. Every character had so much of stereotypes in them, I don’t know how not to feel sad, actually.

Even Troy’s best friend, the hot and only male African American in the show who ended up dating the only female African American in the show is portraying another stereotype where African Americans only date African Americans, or worse still if it is saying that African Americans SHOULD only date African Americans.

When such a powerful and influential media feeds so much of stereotypes, I can only imagine the amount of stereotypes it’s breeding in especially the young minds (yes, like you and me).

Stereotypes breed stereotypes. What’s worse is the fact that these stereotypes are fed subconsciously which means that they are affecting us in a deep level and we are not even aware of it.

My mind and yours are being moulded with stereotypes about people around us and we don’t even know. That is FREAKY!!!

Malaysians have their own stereotypes about the people around us.

Stereotypes about how Indians are...

Stereotypes about how the Malays function...

Stereotypes about how the Chinese excel...

Stereotypes about how a girl should be...

Stereotypes about the perfect Indian girl, about the perfect Chinese girl, about the perfect Malay girl...

Stereotypes about how a boy should be...

Stereotypes, stereotypes, stereotypes...

It seems to me, that our lives are really (and I am not exaggerating) ruled by stereotypes.

I know it will be a challenge to come out of it. To stop trying to meet up to the standards of stereotypes when it revolves ourselves, to stop trying to judge others based on the stereotypes we know.

It will be difficult.

But why should we stop trying just because it’s difficult?

Well, if you think I have some truth in what I write, then I do very much hope, sincerely, that we will take it as a challenge and move out of our very own stereotypes.

There’s nothing positive about stereotypes. Oh, sorry, let me rephrase that. There is NO positive stereotypes. All stereotypes are negative.

So, do something and as Obama said repeatedly, YES, WE CAN!!

My heart...

2009-03-08T20:16:00.000+08:00

I avoid writing about God too much in my blog posts as some readers found it “preachy”. I stopped writing about Him (directly) not because I was trying to please the crowd or because I was afraid. I just felt that if readers cannot relate to your issues, then it is up to me to find a way to present my ideas in ways that they can understand. In other words, there are many ways to talk about Him and it is not necessarily only through direct mentioning of His name. Atleast this is what I believe.

However,

I must say it would be unfair and rather unrealistic and difficult for me to avoid talking about someone who is so dear to me and who is a big part of my life.

I am who I am because of Him.

He journeyed with me throughout my life, revealing to me truths and wisdom beyond my human comprehension or capabilities. I cannot come up with the ideas that I have on my own. I cannot understand so many incidences in life without His guidance.

In Him, I move, breathe and live.
And in me, He moves, breathes and lives.

How do I say no to someone who offers me love beyond anything imaginable. I love the way I do because He loved the way He did.

The person I am today, however good, however patient, however lovable, however optimist, however believing, however giving, however receiving, however forgiving is because of Him.

And for that I give Him the little that I can, myself, my life.

Now.

2009-02-16T08:14:00.000+08:00

Past week/s has/ve been an exciting ride for me.

It doesn’t take long for one’s view or perspective to change rather drastically.

Somehow, along the way, something, someone, stumbles onto your path, and you learn.

The learning has the upmost capability to change your perspective almost completely drastically. The change may not be visible in your personality but you know, that you’re perspective has been changed forever.

This is what has happened to me recently.

Reading books has changed my perspective so drastically that I am amazed by the power things around me have to change my view in a matter of seconds.

Right now, I love everything I have around me. And I am so grateful, that I cannot find the right adjective to express the extent of my gratitude. I am in love with the support I have been receiving from sources human and divine.

When so many people are so supportive and in love with what you want for your life, you cannot ask for something better. When persons so great have pledged support and trust, then it is only logical to believe and have unwavering faith on what is about to happen.

Doubt shall be overcome with faith. Faith stronger than any doubt. For the faith comes from amazing sources, God, friends, family, me.

So, thank you for love. Love beyond comprehension. Love intoxicating. Love beyond logic and reason.

Thank you for now and for future.

Thank you for the power and freedom.

Thank you for the support.

Thank you for this moment, indescribable and beyond words.

Heart

2009-01-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

“You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth, that it’s like you have four legs, instead of two. That way you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God.”

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

That was the first set of sentences in the book that really caught my intention and made me think.

“To look at the world through your heart and not through your head.”

To some of us, the first question that may pop into our mind when we hear this sentence may be, “How do we do that? I don’t I really understand how to do that.”

To some of us, the first thing that may pop into our mind may be more of a justification on why we don’t (really) want to look at the world through our heart. “I’ve done it before and it is not pleasant. It hurts me and breaks me.”

To some of us, maybe we don’t really find a need to look at the world through the heart. “I’ve looked at the world through my head all this while and it has worked just fine.”

When I first read this sentence, I was really taken aback. Something stirring inside me kept telling me, “Look through your heart. You’ve done it before. Maybe you’re refusing to do it again because you have forgotten how to or because you know it’s not easy to live with.”

Looking at the world through your heart is not all that difficult. It is finding the courage to do it and facing to see what you see when you do that’s not all that easy.

When I look at the world through my heart, it is so easy to fall in love with a lot of things I see in the world. There is beauty in every little small thing in the world.

I know some might be saying, “What about the war? What about murders and rapes? What about innocent dying? What about corruption and oppression and injustice? What is so beautiful about that?”

To me, these painful events in life teach me even more to love those people I don’t even know from my heart. It has taught me to feel their pain, to cry for them, to love them and hate the things that are happening to them. Therefore, indirectly, these events have taught me to see the world through my heart and not my head.

Looking at the world through my heart has taught me to love easily and sincerely. I fall in love rather easily, I would say. Sometimes I wondered if I was cheap because I loved easily. But with time, I have realised that my ability to love easily is not a liability but rather a gift because it’s not easy to do. Only when someone has reached a point where he/she is able to see all the good in the person and accept what they might not like about the person, only then can they truly love the person. My ability to do this rather easily, I would say is a gift and grace.

Looking at the world through my heart also means that I am and will be more vulnerable to my surroundings. It meant I will be hurt more easily and more often because many of things I do in life will come from my heart, the space most personal to me. And what can scare me more than knowing how vulnerable I will become, how easily I can be hurt if I chose to look at the world, through my heart?

Not an easy decision but a decision to be made nevertheless. Eventually, I felt that if I was to live my life in the most satisfying and fulfilling way possible, then it is impossible not to chose to look at the world through my heart.

I have made my choice and it scares me at this moment itself because I can already feel how much of hurt I am exposing myself to in the coming future but I have chosen to live and so,

Come what may.

Love makes you cry because it hurts in a lot of way. It involves giving of oneself to the other. It involves trust above your own self.

I love you. You don’t. That hurts but what the heck, at least I loved with everything I’ve got and looked at you with my heart and not my head. If I looked at you with my head, then most probably, I would have never loved you.

Ordinary

2009-01-18T00:05:00.000+08:00

Very often we pay more attention to people in particular positions of power, people who have done extraordinary things in life, people whom we admire because of their achievements, people we wish to emulate, people with outstanding personalities.

Very often it is this kind of people who catch our attention and win our admiration. We think it is from people like this we can learn a lot.

To think about it, working hard to want to be somebody is way easier and normal than to be humble enough to live life in its most simple and ordinary form.

How often do we stop to admire the lady who cooks for us in the college cafeteria? How often do we stop to see the effort in the lady that cleans our floor, the lady who arranges our shoes in the morning? How often do we admire the security guard for trying to keep the college environment safe for us? How often do we stop to be grateful to the guy who comes and empties our rubbish bin for us?

In contrary...

When have we not admired an intelligent lecturer for his charism and passion? When have we not admired skilled surgeons or political leaders? When have we not admired our class president or a successful director of a project? When have we not looked up to an outstanding figurine we know?

I guess this characteristic of ours reflects a lot on how we view things.

Very often, it takes something really big and dramatic to get our attention and respect. Very often, we take the little things that are equally meaningful for granted.
We rather focus on the bigger achievements, bigger people, bigger qualities that we seem to have forgotten to stop and appreciate the simplicity we see around us, we forget to be grateful for the little moments we are gifted with.

Our inability to appreciate the little things are reflected rather vividly through the choices we make in life. From the partners we choose, the friends we appreciate, the aspects of life we pay attention to, the way we prioritise, everything seem to reflect how we always remember to appreciate the obvious in life and forget to appreciate the subtlety in life.

I want a hot, good looking, smart, rich, happening girlfriend/boyfriend.

I want a good paying job and an outstanding career position.

I want the cool, unique, interesting people as my friends.

I want to pay attention to my appearance and my material needs.

I prioritise earning money and earning grades.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I don’t do any of the above. I am equally guilty.

But today I realised, in our ongoing attempt to be great and different, we seemed to have lost our sensitivity to appreciate the many subtle, beautiful things in life.

Today, I hope I will pay more attention to the ordinary things and people in life because today I believe in the big difference ordinary people and things make in my life.

love

2009-01-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

i love....

and

now,

i desired to be loved.

Power of Choice

2008-11-28T09:38:00.000+08:00

Everytime something not-so-good or not-so-wonderful or not-so-happy happens in my life, I’ve always assumed that God was responsible and that He knows what he’s doing, that I just have to trust him and find out sooner-or-later the reason behind that incidence.

I’ve always felt that if I gave enough time, I would eventually understand why He would want that to happen in my life.

Very often, I wouldn’t question why such a thing has happened to me, rather I would analyse to try to find out the reason as to why this needs to happen, in what way He would to want impact my life positively through those incidence.

Recently, I read a book, “The Choice” by OG Mandino and I learnt one of the most valuable lessons of my life.

The truth, God never decides for us how our life should run. That’s a misconception, I feel. God gives us options along our journey in life. We shape how our life is going to be based on the choices we make. The power is in our hands. We decide what we want to do, how we want to feel, how we want to view things, we decide how we want our life to be, not Him.

God loves us more than we can comprehend that what we want is more important to him than what He wants, and that is the truth. He would never impose unto us something we don’t want.

Yes, if we could, we would avoid anything that would hurt or break us. But if it happens, instead of breaking down and wallowing in self-pity, instead of falling into depression and feeling unworthy and unappreciated, the CHOICE is ours on how we are going to view it. When something bad happens, it is up to us view it more as a chance to explore our options and CHOOSE what is best for us. It is up to us, to remember that our life is more important than some silly bad incidence.

The CHOICE will always be ours to not let anything interfere with us living our life the best way we can.

Very often, we misinterpret “Living like there’s no tomorrow” as “Living without consequences”. Only recently, I discovered that “Living like there’s no tomorrow” is “Living our ONE life the best way we can”.

To not be afraid of unfamiliar chances, to not be afraid to make mistakes, to not be afraid to take risks, to not be afraid to love even if they don’t love you back, to not be afraid to get hurt

To get back up when we fall, to look at the many blessings and beautiful things in life, to love like there’s no tomorrow.

When we believe in this and practise this, it’s hardly unlikely that we’ll lead a miserable life.
So, for all you broken people out there, it’s not too late. You can still come out of this. You can still come out of feeling unworthy, unappreciated, hurt, damaged or depressed. Our life is of utmost important.

Let’s not let others control how we feel. Even someone as beautiful as God doesn’t want to control it, why should we let people smaller than Him control our life then.
Good luck to you and to me!

stuck...

2008-11-24T11:45:00.000+08:00

When you're confused and lost...
unable to find answers, not even mere directions on where you should head...

and you feel stuck because you want to do it right and make the right decisions this time...
because you want to stop feeling like fool...stop feeling stupid, unworthy, weak and many other negative things...

you know what you want but you don't how to get there...
you see options and you don't see any of it being the right thing to do....

so, you stop... and you continue to think... knowing it's a completely useless action because you know it's not what you want...

sometimes you get angry because you still haven't been able to convince yourself that this is for the best, that everything happens for a reason, that these are all tests and you know you can survive them, that there's rainbow at the end of journey, that you have or will come out of it...

no matter how many times you repeat that to yourself, you still don't believe in those things...

you still don't know what to do...

you tell yourself you're just too uptight... that you should relax and that these things are normal... but again, you don't believe in any of the things you tell yourself..

so, you're stuck again...
and you still don't know what to do...

Rohene

2008-10-13T16:24:00.001+08:00

Rohene – 2001

Well, she seemed rather nerdy when I first saw her in the year 1999. She wore knee length socks. It maybe fashion these days but back then, it made her seem really nerdy and goody-two-shoe.

Then, when I got to know her in 2000, she seemed rather stoic, practical, don’t mess with me kind. I wasn’t afraid of her but didn’t really feel like having somebody with that sort of aura around me, then.

In 2001, I learned that she was rather funny and witty, through our waktu-rehat hang out time. She was fun to be with. So, there our friendship began. We had fun making fun of teachers we didn’t really like.

By 2002, we were pretty much close because we were in the same group of friends and ending up in the same class only made things worse, as we cracked up pretty often, skipping classes we found boring, using the same-old-lame excuse of ‘Got prefects’ duty’. Haha.

She was quite distant from people even then. Weirdly though, I cared for her for reasons I couldn’t explain. When she was bumped up about a Physics SPM trial exam, and another friend said something really wrong that made her cry again, I got pissed and just told her to leave and not to come back to this area for a while. When I think about it now, I know I could have handled it better, but at that point, I hated my friend’s lack of sensitivity to Rohene’s clear disappointment.
It was weird caring for someone you didn’t know all too well.

Form 6 – same class and we were 4 sekawan – rohene, muna, aggie and I. Somehow, there was an innate awareness in each of us to support each other in whatever way possible throughout this 2 years cause we knew it’s not going to be easy.

Now, she’s a grown woman...Really. She expresses herself better, curses a lot more than she ever did, learned to trust people better, learned to slowly let go of her ego, her amazing, analytical mind has only expanded, she’s a critical analyst of the political system in not just the government, but in the universities and schools. She understands the problem, better identifies them and therefore can better provide possible suggestions. She no longer thinks the best way to live her adult life is alone in a rented house. Her view of life has evolved. Nothing surprising, I know... but to be able to witness that change is a pretty amazing experience.

Sounds like an amazing person? Yes, she is.
2 amazing friends down. Many more to go.
Every friend is a part of me, that I am proud of.

If there's no tomorrow

2008-10-09T17:57:00.000+08:00

Sim mei,
Remember how I told you that I’d like to write a thank you note to my close friends and what they mean to me and keep it safely somewhere, then when I die, I’d like it to be given to those ppl....

Well, this is not that...
But it’s somewhat related...

It’s about some people in my life, right now, that have an impact in my life, people who I treasure, and thank for their presence...

so, this is the beginning of a series of interesting journey of mine with interesting people...

In order of when I got to know them...

Muna – Year 2000

Muna has been an instrumental person who challenged me to be the best kind of person I can be. She had a beautiful mind with beautiful opinions. She depicted originality, honesty, and strength. Her mom was Indian Christian who converted to Islam, prior to marrying a Muslim, her soon-to-be father. Both her parents divorced later when she was about 9 years old. She grew up learning to adapt to people and environment and became really good in fitting in.

Despite struggles, she grew up to become a very opinionated woman, who fought for what she believed in, even in school. Dirty toilets, unfair rules, student apathy. Me, being rather a passive person who preferred the peaceful, democratic way to solve issues, I always viewed confrontation and discussion with the higher authority to be rather futile. I preferred to do what I can in my power to change things, without having to go to the authorities. But Muna taught me to be courageous to ask for what we deserved, that others may benefit too. Because of her and through her, I became involved in many community projects, through which I learned and grew tremendously.

She was the 1st person I discussed issue of marriage, meaning of life and reason we live with openly. She was also the person I went jalan-jalan cari makan trips most often with... quite intuitively... after school... she was one of the person that I would crack up with laughing for no absolute reason. She was fellow debater, with whom our team won the State Cup after many years of losing. We boldly chose to do Form 6 together, suffered in it together and did many craze things through the year, to make sure we remembered it to be more than just about books. We got lost in the jungle together, temporarily lost our sanity and vowed to do it again, someday later.

Now, I see her only once a year as she studies in UK. But that one day seems really worthwhile. I don’t really sense a distance between us, though we aren’t too good at keeping in touch. I love her and I love the way we are different in character and yet very much relate to each other. I love her presence in my life and I know she’s here to stay, even if I only get to see once a year. I don’t know how long, both of us are going to live. I guess, that wouldn’t really matter... Especially not with someone I could be pretty transparent with, without having to fear what she’ll think...

Yesterday...

2008-09-27T10:15:00.000+08:00

Imagine…

If it was a Friday night, on a weekend where 100% of your close friends have either gone home or have something better to do, you fall sick with gastritis, excruciating pain and you have run out of your medicine supply…

What do you do?

You curl up in your bed and the pain doesn’t seem to go away…

You know if you fall asleep, you’ll probably won’t feel a thing…

But despite that, falling asleep is not want you seem to want…

You just wished that if only someone, anyone was close enough to you that they’ll come to see you or be with you when you’re not feeling your best… Someone who would get you some hot drinks and some medicine and make you feel that you’re not at all, alone even if you’re far from home and family… cuz they’ll be there as your family…

You badly wished someone would call or msg to see if you’re doing fine…

You think of the people you want to call or msg to let them know that you’re not feeling too well, and a few names pop up but you couldn’t find the courage to let them know because another part of you is telling you that your actions are meaningless, because you know they’re not going to come down to visit you because you know they’re already home and you’re only going to disturb them,

some part of you tell you that you’re only to going to get their sympathy and they might care because they have to, now that they know…
You don’t want sympathy but just people who care genuinely,

So you struggle to decide to tell or not to tell…

And you fell asleep thinking…

You wake the next morning and the pain due to gastritis is gone but you still wonder, will there be someone that you can call without going through the thought process you went through the night before…

That was me...
Yesterday...

permanent

2008-08-14T23:02:00.000+08:00

Today was his birthday. And we all threw him a big and the best kind of party that we could think of because we loved who he is and wanted to celebrate this amazing kind soul’s 21 years of LIVING. It was an amazing celebration, not because of how many people turned up but who turned up. It was a gathering of a huge family, close knitted, warm hearted family.

Everytime a big and meaningful celebration such as this happens, when everyone is joyous and excited and happy and so enthusiastic with the celebration, i noticed that i have a tendency to be quieter, more observant and tend to withdraw myself from the crowd. Today i understood why i respond in that manner.

Everytime, something so perfect and meaningful happens, the first thought to cross my mind was always, “How long will this last?”. Being a sceptic to the word permanent, i never really believed that anything in this world was ever permanent. My subconscious mind believes all things, the little families you make for yourself, the friendships, the effort, everything comes to an end, eventually.

I guess it was for this reason that i was somewhat obsessed with carpe diem, live for TODAY. Because i never really believed in tomorrow. And i guess, i fear, dread, that day when things change, when people who mean the world to you no longer do, when the connection shared with some special friends are lost, when dynamics of a relationship/friendship change, when everything that is left is mere memory.

I dread that day. I dread the day when he and i aren’t as close as we are, dread the day when everyone would have a family for themself that they wouldn’t need this family anymore, dread when priorities will change and i will no longer be part of it. Sounds selfish? I’m sorry.

I really pray that i am wrong because if i am not, i know i would be extremely nostalgic if not hurt, just thinking of these people and the moments we shared.